.....

Wala ako maisip na title.  Basta alam ko ang gaan ng feeling ko ngayon, hehehe. Nung nagout na ko sa parents ko feeling ko lahat ng baggage ko bigla nawala.  Siguro subconsciously sila lang talaga ang nagmamatter sa akin na makaalam kung sino ako.  Wala lang, ung acceptance kasi nila somehow validates my presence in this world, syempre sila gumawa sa akin, hehehe gusto ko tanggap nila ako.  I feel whole now.  Lahat ng mga real or imagined na mga issues ko all dissipated into thin air.  Parang ngayon I can start living my life.  Ala lang so happy. :)  I got my groove back I think.. hmm.. not really... but I'm getting there.

:)

Coming Out Down Under

It took me a while...

a long while...

To finally have the courage to come out to my family.

I don't think it was really courage though.

It was more of a feeling of being tired.  Of being tired hiding who I am.

Being in another country by yourself just puts so much pressure on you.

The stress, the homesickness, the lack of intimacy, the lack of familiarity all contributes to a feeling of helplessness... compounded by having to fight it off with a suit of armor to disguise who you really are. Ambigat kaya ng suit of metal armor noh!  Di ka makalaban ng todo, but really hiding who you are weighs you down.  It takes so much energy to lie...

So I first came out to my two sisters... It wasn't much of a surprise to them since medyo malamya talaga ako pag minsan.  I came out because I want to live  my life, my one life. MY life. I found a partner and he gave me the courage to come out, because I want him to be a part of my life, my family.

It was a relief having my sisters know about it.   However as months went on, bumalik na naman yung feeling na nahihirapan ka just because you can't be yourself.

Pag pagod ka kasi physically, mentally, emotionally, all the negative thoughts hiding between the smallest nook and every crevice in your head just all come bubbling up to the surface... it's overwhelming.  I didn't know who to turn to... I didn't know what to do....

So I called my mom.

I was at the end of my rope... I wanted to give up... to just lie in my bed hoping for time to stop.

I asked my mom... "Ma mahal mo ba ako kahit anong mangyari? kahit ano talaga mangyari?"

She replied with a hint of nervousness in her voice... "Ano ba yun anak?  Iladlad mo na kasi yan..."

Suddenly listening at her words, I felt this wasn't going to be as hard as I thought it would be... I had a faint smile on my lips when I said... "Ma...."

She then replied with... "Ano ba yun anak, ready ka na ba magkagirlfriend or boyfriend?"

She didn't know I've already had some relationships in my past.

"Ma, alam mo na yun"

And so there we talked about it, how she always have suspected it, and how she just wanted it to come from me.  She told me she loved me, that I'm her child and she would always love me.

Haaaay...

and then she told my dad.

made it easier for me.

My dad also accepted it.  He was open minded enough to know that I am who I am.  I am still their child and they love me.

Haaaay uli.....

hayun.

ewan ko ba.

Mixed emotions.

tuliro din kasi ako.

Hirap pag asa ibang bansa ka.

Ako pang walang experience makapagtrabaho. Tapos dito lahat na ng hirap pinagdaanan ko kaloka lang.

Anyway something good came out of it.  I grew up.  I came out. Down under.