2014

Ok so New Year, new life yeah? Well I should hope so. I'm getting tired of all my shit. People around me are getting tired of my shit. They have given up on me as much as I've given up on myself. 

Hold on, I need to keep the positivity up, this line of negativity isn't doing me any good. Yeah, this constant struggle of trying to perk myself up and succumbing to the easier sense of depression has been continously hounding me for like forever.

Hmm... I need a deus ex machina.

So what are my goals this year? I read somewhere that happiness really consists of three things; something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for. So here are the things that I hope to achieve this year.
1. Get a job that I'll love and that would earn me good bucks.
2. Find someone special.
3. Regain my belief in magic, yeah there's magic in this world.

Yeah, good year. :) 

Oh yeah a few more things, lose 10 kg, start joining runs again, meet new positive happy friends, and be back to my old self!

Love love love!!! :)

Happy Thoughts 1

I've been feeling really down lately, I don't know, could've been the bipolar thingy, whatever.  Anyways, sometimes when you feel down there are times when you feel like you've reached rock bottom and you mentally and emotionally can't go on any further but up.  That's what I've been going through lately, I don't know even physically my blood pressure seems to spike and dip corresponding to what I'm going through. So... time to make myself happy, after all my life also had its share of good times. :)

If someone asks me what my happiest childhood memory is, I would answer without hesitation, SWIMMING! :) My dad loved to take us out swimming when we were kids, we'd frequent various places with swimming pools in them, beaches and whatever as long as there's water.  My mom would pack our food in picnic baskets, and we would happily prepare our swim clothes, sunblock, goggles, towels, camera, and all the usual stuff a family prepares for when going out swimming.  Oh, just thinking about it makes me feel all warm inside. :)  I think that's why everytime I smell the scent of sunblock it immediately makes me feel so happy.

My sisters and cousins would then compete by seeing who could swim the fastest, hold their breath underwater the longest, and who could make the biggest cannon ball splash!  I also remember one place which had a mulberry tree besides the parking lot, it took us a while to recognize that it was a mulberry tree but after the discovery we kids would enjoy picking the fruits and being careful not to stain our clothes, in retrospect it was a bit dangerous for kids to go picking unfamiliar fruits and go eating them without asking their parents what it is, hahaha!

When I was younger, I suffered from skin allergies, it was so bad sometimes I can't go swimming because of the open sores I sometimes have.  This is the reason why I am extremely attracted to people with gorgeous skin.  Everytime we go out swimming, I always check the place out if there were a lot of swimmers around, otherwise I would just stay behind in the picnic tables and eat! One time I so wanted to go swim but at the same time so anxious about my allergies that I jumped in the water with a towel still wrapped around my waist!  Everyone was teasing me about it for a long time after that incident.

Haaay, this exercise is lifitng my spirits.  But too tired to write anymore, I promise to write more happy things about my life. Time to reprogram the life story that runs in this crazy head of mine.

Love love love! :)

My Magic Kettlebell

Ok, so I think I have pretty much established that I'm a bit childish, haha! My mind seems to still be wired the way I used to think when I was 10.  Case in point, I was surfing through the internet (forgot the site) that had different topics and categories on it, but I felt my eyes gravitate towards the kids category, I know it's strangely weird but I felt like a kid at that particular time. I also still believe in magic, although I've pretty much dismissed the possibility of a magic lamp tucked away somewhere.
Anyway, recently I've had tons of realizations, it's like a curtain has been lifted and I could somehow see clearly what life really is all about.  I also realized that our bodies are our vessels in which we are to navigate this world and do everything we want to do.  I checked out my vessel, and my vessel has been pretty much neglected and out of shape recently so I thought I should do something about it.  I still am not thinking of going back to the gym, I don't know maybe not now.  But I do have a kettlebell lying around the house and I thought I should start with that.  Everyday I tell myself to workout using it but my weaker (read: tamad self) wanted to just do away with it.  However, the getting stronger side of my mind says I should do it.  So, I thought of a clever way to trick and reprogram my mind into doing it.

My kettlebell is now magical.

And it only works and grants all my wishes if I use it religiously.

There.  Yeah childish.  But that's me.

Hello strength and determination in the coming weeks.

I, thank you. ;p

New Chapter

I've written in a previous post how our present circumstance never really goes away until our soul learns the lessons it needs to learn.  I felt that I've learned the lessons that I needed to learn from all the heartaches, the regrets, the anger, the fear, the not knowing, the anxiety, and the uncertainty of almost a decade that has gone by in my life.  I am ready to transcend into a new chapter armed with the life lessons to help not only myself to rebuild my own life but also to be an instrument into making a difference in others' as well.

I am ready for this.  I am claiming it.  I am finally moving forward.

I am at a point in my life where I'm tired of exploring.  I want stability.  I want to savor life and what it really means.  I want to have in my life what really matters, not what the world thinks matters at the moment.

I've tried on different shoes, in search of what fits me, what fits in the society, what fits other people who don't really care.  But the shoes that fits you most is the shoes that belongs to you, not someone else's, not your own manufactured idea of what should fit you.  I have found my shoes, and I want to walk my life with my own shoes.  Leaving footprints I can truly say are my own.

I am optimistic, excited to finally live my life. :)

Out of the closet?

So yeah, came out late last year to my family.  Feeling all good and stuff, you know nothing to hide anymore that kind of shit, i mean it takes so much energy to lie.  Coming out was really liberating.  Enjoyed being just me.  Then employment came.  How do I do this? should I come out shouldn't i? People around starts speculating, asking questions. New dilemma.  Something I know i'll figure out soon. Yeah.

Perspective

So I really gained a lot of weight lately, tipong nagfuse na ung double chin ko sa leeg ko ung ganung level. Heniwey so didn't really care about it I mean, tapos na ata ako sa phase na concerned ako sa looks ko.  Although I do realize na importante pa rin na imaintain para lang ba okay okay naman humarap sa mga tao, tamad lang talaga ako siguro or I just don't effin' care about it anymore (sarap kasi kumain).  Gym is definitely out of the picture I don't see it being part of my lifestyle anymore, running and diet na lang siguro tapos unting buhat buhat lang at home (pero I still don't care, haven't done any of the above).  So ganun, met this straight guy in this thing I'm doing, he's a bit on the chubby side, chubbier than I am that is.  Katuwa lang when he hinted maganda katawan ko hahaha! natawa naman ako pero yes mas payat kasi ako sa kanya so ganun. Natuwa lang ako.  Tapos isingit pa na pwede daw akong artista hahaha uli! I know how I look at di ako artistahin, pero para sa kanya pang artista na. Wala lang alam ko di totoo pero I still relished the compliment hahaha! Ala lang I usually never get those kinds of compliments, and I don't expect to kaya wala lang, it just gave me a boost of happy for the day.

Love, love, love! :)

ngiting kay tamis. :)

So... starting to live my life now, back sa pinas. and after about a year of my break up with my ex, i can say i've moved on.  Paano? I just felt na ok na ko. So to test it out I searched the net for him, stalker much? hehe. When I saw his pictures... he seems so happy, they seem so happy, and I was happy for him, for them. and and and, they look so much alike now... and my partner and i look similar as well. There you go, ayan na ang signs na hinihingi mo. hehehe. Thank you Lord. I wish them well.  I wish us well.

I was also hit with the reality of the amount of work i need to do to fix my life. Hirap kasi e, my brain seems to flutter in and out between reality and fantasy... :( pero ok lang un, i know this time it's gonna be different. I believe i've hurdled much of what life has to offer.  I just need to keep focusing on my goals now.

:)