Ok so New Year, new life yeah? Well I should hope so. I'm getting tired of all my shit. People around me are getting tired of my shit. They have given up on me as much as I've given up on myself.
Hold on, I need to keep the positivity up, this line of negativity isn't doing me any good. Yeah, this constant struggle of trying to perk myself up and succumbing to the easier sense of depression has been continously hounding me for like forever.
Hmm... I need a deus ex machina.
So what are my goals this year? I read somewhere that happiness really consists of three things; something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for. So here are the things that I hope to achieve this year.
1. Get a job that I'll love and that would earn me good bucks.
2. Find someone special.
3. Regain my belief in magic, yeah there's magic in this world.
Yeah, good year. :)
Oh yeah a few more things, lose 10 kg, start joining runs again, meet new positive happy friends, and be back to my old self!
Love love love!!! :)
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Monday, November 4, 2013
Happy Thoughts 1
I've been feeling really down lately, I don't know, could've been the bipolar thingy, whatever. Anyways, sometimes when you feel down there are times when you feel like you've reached rock bottom and you mentally and emotionally can't go on any further but up. That's what I've been going through lately, I don't know even physically my blood pressure seems to spike and dip corresponding to what I'm going through. So... time to make myself happy, after all my life also had its share of good times. :)
If someone asks me what my happiest childhood memory is, I would answer without hesitation, SWIMMING! :) My dad loved to take us out swimming when we were kids, we'd frequent various places with swimming pools in them, beaches and whatever as long as there's water. My mom would pack our food in picnic baskets, and we would happily prepare our swim clothes, sunblock, goggles, towels, camera, and all the usual stuff a family prepares for when going out swimming. Oh, just thinking about it makes me feel all warm inside. :) I think that's why everytime I smell the scent of sunblock it immediately makes me feel so happy.
My sisters and cousins would then compete by seeing who could swim the fastest, hold their breath underwater the longest, and who could make the biggest cannon ball splash! I also remember one place which had a mulberry tree besides the parking lot, it took us a while to recognize that it was a mulberry tree but after the discovery we kids would enjoy picking the fruits and being careful not to stain our clothes, in retrospect it was a bit dangerous for kids to go picking unfamiliar fruits and go eating them without asking their parents what it is, hahaha!
When I was younger, I suffered from skin allergies, it was so bad sometimes I can't go swimming because of the open sores I sometimes have. This is the reason why I am extremely attracted to people with gorgeous skin. Everytime we go out swimming, I always check the place out if there were a lot of swimmers around, otherwise I would just stay behind in the picnic tables and eat! One time I so wanted to go swim but at the same time so anxious about my allergies that I jumped in the water with a towel still wrapped around my waist! Everyone was teasing me about it for a long time after that incident.
Haaay, this exercise is lifitng my spirits. But too tired to write anymore, I promise to write more happy things about my life. Time to reprogram the life story that runs in this crazy head of mine.
Love love love! :)
If someone asks me what my happiest childhood memory is, I would answer without hesitation, SWIMMING! :) My dad loved to take us out swimming when we were kids, we'd frequent various places with swimming pools in them, beaches and whatever as long as there's water. My mom would pack our food in picnic baskets, and we would happily prepare our swim clothes, sunblock, goggles, towels, camera, and all the usual stuff a family prepares for when going out swimming. Oh, just thinking about it makes me feel all warm inside. :) I think that's why everytime I smell the scent of sunblock it immediately makes me feel so happy.
My sisters and cousins would then compete by seeing who could swim the fastest, hold their breath underwater the longest, and who could make the biggest cannon ball splash! I also remember one place which had a mulberry tree besides the parking lot, it took us a while to recognize that it was a mulberry tree but after the discovery we kids would enjoy picking the fruits and being careful not to stain our clothes, in retrospect it was a bit dangerous for kids to go picking unfamiliar fruits and go eating them without asking their parents what it is, hahaha!
When I was younger, I suffered from skin allergies, it was so bad sometimes I can't go swimming because of the open sores I sometimes have. This is the reason why I am extremely attracted to people with gorgeous skin. Everytime we go out swimming, I always check the place out if there were a lot of swimmers around, otherwise I would just stay behind in the picnic tables and eat! One time I so wanted to go swim but at the same time so anxious about my allergies that I jumped in the water with a towel still wrapped around my waist! Everyone was teasing me about it for a long time after that incident.
Haaay, this exercise is lifitng my spirits. But too tired to write anymore, I promise to write more happy things about my life. Time to reprogram the life story that runs in this crazy head of mine.
Love love love! :)
Thursday, August 22, 2013
My Magic Kettlebell
Ok, so I think I have pretty much established that I'm a bit childish, haha! My mind seems to still be wired the way I used to think when I was 10. Case in point, I was surfing through the internet (forgot the site) that had different topics and categories on it, but I felt my eyes gravitate towards the kids category, I know it's strangely weird but I felt like a kid at that particular time. I also still believe in magic, although I've pretty much dismissed the possibility of a magic lamp tucked away somewhere.
Anyway, recently I've had tons of realizations, it's like a curtain has been lifted and I could somehow see clearly what life really is all about. I also realized that our bodies are our vessels in which we are to navigate this world and do everything we want to do. I checked out my vessel, and my vessel has been pretty much neglected and out of shape recently so I thought I should do something about it. I still am not thinking of going back to the gym, I don't know maybe not now. But I do have a kettlebell lying around the house and I thought I should start with that. Everyday I tell myself to workout using it but my weaker (read: tamad self) wanted to just do away with it. However, the getting stronger side of my mind says I should do it. So, I thought of a clever way to trick and reprogram my mind into doing it.
My kettlebell is now magical.
And it only works and grants all my wishes if I use it religiously.
There. Yeah childish. But that's me.
Hello strength and determination in the coming weeks.
I, thank you. ;p
Anyway, recently I've had tons of realizations, it's like a curtain has been lifted and I could somehow see clearly what life really is all about. I also realized that our bodies are our vessels in which we are to navigate this world and do everything we want to do. I checked out my vessel, and my vessel has been pretty much neglected and out of shape recently so I thought I should do something about it. I still am not thinking of going back to the gym, I don't know maybe not now. But I do have a kettlebell lying around the house and I thought I should start with that. Everyday I tell myself to workout using it but my weaker (read: tamad self) wanted to just do away with it. However, the getting stronger side of my mind says I should do it. So, I thought of a clever way to trick and reprogram my mind into doing it.
My kettlebell is now magical.
And it only works and grants all my wishes if I use it religiously.
There. Yeah childish. But that's me.
Hello strength and determination in the coming weeks.
I, thank you. ;p
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
New Chapter
I've written in a previous post how our present circumstance never really goes away until our soul learns the lessons it needs to learn. I felt that I've learned the lessons that I needed to learn from all the heartaches, the regrets, the anger, the fear, the not knowing, the anxiety, and the uncertainty of almost a decade that has gone by in my life. I am ready to transcend into a new chapter armed with the life lessons to help not only myself to rebuild my own life but also to be an instrument into making a difference in others' as well.
I am ready for this. I am claiming it. I am finally moving forward.
I am at a point in my life where I'm tired of exploring. I want stability. I want to savor life and what it really means. I want to have in my life what really matters, not what the world thinks matters at the moment.
I've tried on different shoes, in search of what fits me, what fits in the society, what fits other people who don't really care. But the shoes that fits you most is the shoes that belongs to you, not someone else's, not your own manufactured idea of what should fit you. I have found my shoes, and I want to walk my life with my own shoes. Leaving footprints I can truly say are my own.
I am optimistic, excited to finally live my life. :)
I am ready for this. I am claiming it. I am finally moving forward.
I am at a point in my life where I'm tired of exploring. I want stability. I want to savor life and what it really means. I want to have in my life what really matters, not what the world thinks matters at the moment.
I've tried on different shoes, in search of what fits me, what fits in the society, what fits other people who don't really care. But the shoes that fits you most is the shoes that belongs to you, not someone else's, not your own manufactured idea of what should fit you. I have found my shoes, and I want to walk my life with my own shoes. Leaving footprints I can truly say are my own.
I am optimistic, excited to finally live my life. :)
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Out of the closet?
So yeah, came out late last year to my family. Feeling all good and stuff, you know nothing to hide anymore that kind of shit, i mean it takes so much energy to lie. Coming out was really liberating. Enjoyed being just me. Then employment came. How do I do this? should I come out shouldn't i? People around starts speculating, asking questions. New dilemma. Something I know i'll figure out soon. Yeah.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Perspective
So I really gained a lot of weight lately, tipong nagfuse na ung double chin ko sa leeg ko ung ganung level. Heniwey so didn't really care about it I mean, tapos na ata ako sa phase na concerned ako sa looks ko. Although I do realize na importante pa rin na imaintain para lang ba okay okay naman humarap sa mga tao, tamad lang talaga ako siguro or I just don't effin' care about it anymore (sarap kasi kumain). Gym is definitely out of the picture I don't see it being part of my lifestyle anymore, running and diet na lang siguro tapos unting buhat buhat lang at home (pero I still don't care, haven't done any of the above). So ganun, met this straight guy in this thing I'm doing, he's a bit on the chubby side, chubbier than I am that is. Katuwa lang when he hinted maganda katawan ko hahaha! natawa naman ako pero yes mas payat kasi ako sa kanya so ganun. Natuwa lang ako. Tapos isingit pa na pwede daw akong artista hahaha uli! I know how I look at di ako artistahin, pero para sa kanya pang artista na. Wala lang alam ko di totoo pero I still relished the compliment hahaha! Ala lang I usually never get those kinds of compliments, and I don't expect to kaya wala lang, it just gave me a boost of happy for the day.
Love, love, love! :)
Love, love, love! :)
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
ngiting kay tamis. :)
So... starting to live my life now, back sa pinas. and after about a year of my break up with my ex, i can say i've moved on. Paano? I just felt na ok na ko. So to test it out I searched the net for him, stalker much? hehe. When I saw his pictures... he seems so happy, they seem so happy, and I was happy for him, for them. and and and, they look so much alike now... and my partner and i look similar as well. There you go, ayan na ang signs na hinihingi mo. hehehe. Thank you Lord. I wish them well. I wish us well.
I was also hit with the reality of the amount of work i need to do to fix my life. Hirap kasi e, my brain seems to flutter in and out between reality and fantasy... :( pero ok lang un, i know this time it's gonna be different. I believe i've hurdled much of what life has to offer. I just need to keep focusing on my goals now.
:)
I was also hit with the reality of the amount of work i need to do to fix my life. Hirap kasi e, my brain seems to flutter in and out between reality and fantasy... :( pero ok lang un, i know this time it's gonna be different. I believe i've hurdled much of what life has to offer. I just need to keep focusing on my goals now.
:)
Monday, April 8, 2013
Thinking Thoughts
I believe that everything happens for a reason. Our lives are a sequence of events that lead us to where we need to be. Ever since I was a kid, I have always been intrigued about what life really is. What is its purpose, why are we here?
Personally, I believe that we are souls that need to experience moments that would elevate our understanding and perspective of this world. Our souls dictate where we need to be, what it needs inorder to grow. We are where we are because that's where we need to be, that's where we want to be.Only when we learn the lessons that our current situations offer do we move on to the next experience.
This understanding is somehow magical for me. It made me understand that everything in this earth is not just a random permutation of possible events but is actually an organized reaction to our own thoughts, which is an echo of our souls.
I remember one Cherokee tale about a battle between two wolves raging inside all of us. One is evil, it is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego. The other is good, it is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, and truth. The wolf that wins this battle, is the wolf that you feed.
This story has made me conscious about which thoughts I allow to dominate my day. It is hard in the beginning, but when you come to that point where you become aware that your thoughts are mainly dominated by negativity, you are then able to begin the process of somehow rewiring how you think.
I know I have a long way to go before I come to a point where I am stable in my life. The understanding that everything happens for a reason, and that our thoughts are powerful somehow enabled me to believe that the best things are yet to come. I am joyful, I am content, and I am happy with what I have now. I am excited for what lies ahead. I am excited for the experiences life has to offer. Think happy, be happy. :)
Personally, I believe that we are souls that need to experience moments that would elevate our understanding and perspective of this world. Our souls dictate where we need to be, what it needs inorder to grow. We are where we are because that's where we need to be, that's where we want to be.Only when we learn the lessons that our current situations offer do we move on to the next experience.
This understanding is somehow magical for me. It made me understand that everything in this earth is not just a random permutation of possible events but is actually an organized reaction to our own thoughts, which is an echo of our souls.
I remember one Cherokee tale about a battle between two wolves raging inside all of us. One is evil, it is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego. The other is good, it is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, and truth. The wolf that wins this battle, is the wolf that you feed.
This story has made me conscious about which thoughts I allow to dominate my day. It is hard in the beginning, but when you come to that point where you become aware that your thoughts are mainly dominated by negativity, you are then able to begin the process of somehow rewiring how you think.
I know I have a long way to go before I come to a point where I am stable in my life. The understanding that everything happens for a reason, and that our thoughts are powerful somehow enabled me to believe that the best things are yet to come. I am joyful, I am content, and I am happy with what I have now. I am excited for what lies ahead. I am excited for the experiences life has to offer. Think happy, be happy. :)
Friday, February 15, 2013
Good Vibes!
Ok after what seems like forever being abroad, being by myself, facing all the challenges life can whip out at me, I'm back home. Nothing compares to the feeling of being in your own country, iba ang Pinoy, iba ang Pinas, I think iba lang talaga ang home wherever you consider it to be. Pero the good thing about being away from my comfort zone is that I grew by leaps and bounds. There's something in me that changed... Kinda like the games where you level up with experience, I believe I levelled up although a bit long overdue, well better late than never.
So... now that I'm back, I have decided to pursue the one thing that I've always been trying to do for the longest time. It is something that I have always felt passionate about since I was a kid but somehow all the realities of life forced me to abandon it.
I am very lucky to have very supportive parents who are willing to give me time to find myself and to explore all the possibilities there is in my life. Thank you Lord.
I'm happy. Excited. :)
So... now that I'm back, I have decided to pursue the one thing that I've always been trying to do for the longest time. It is something that I have always felt passionate about since I was a kid but somehow all the realities of life forced me to abandon it.
I am very lucky to have very supportive parents who are willing to give me time to find myself and to explore all the possibilities there is in my life. Thank you Lord.
I'm happy. Excited. :)
Monday, November 12, 2012
sulat
Dear Lord,
I'm tired. I remember telling my friend recently that I'm not afraid to die, feeling a bit brave for having felt that way. I was surprised when he remarked, because you're afraid of living. I was taken aback, I never thought of it that way, and I think he is right.
Lord, I know I'm not supposed to cling on to reasons of why I am the way I am right now. I should just move on and make a life with what I have. But it's hard Lord, I don't think I can. And I'm lost too, I thought that I've found myself but I feel like I've just twisted myself so much to believe that I have found myself.
Lord, I can't even write half a decent letter to you cause I'm just so tired.
I need a deus ex machina Lord...
Please...
I'm tired. I remember telling my friend recently that I'm not afraid to die, feeling a bit brave for having felt that way. I was surprised when he remarked, because you're afraid of living. I was taken aback, I never thought of it that way, and I think he is right.
Lord, I know I'm not supposed to cling on to reasons of why I am the way I am right now. I should just move on and make a life with what I have. But it's hard Lord, I don't think I can. And I'm lost too, I thought that I've found myself but I feel like I've just twisted myself so much to believe that I have found myself.
Lord, I can't even write half a decent letter to you cause I'm just so tired.
I need a deus ex machina Lord...
Please...
Kimchi!
I love korean men. so hot. ewan ko ba they just exude this gentle energy na would go wildy masculine in the bedroom. They all look so hot. Lean and tall. Great posture. Hot. Want to migrate to south korea now na. dami ko gusto sabihin about korean guys pero sabaw na utak ko, refer na lang to previous post why. hayun.
sabaw!
sabaw na ang utak ko. hahaha! di na nagfufunction ewan ko ba. I just read a few weeks ago that difficult math challenges can actually trigger physical symptoms just like pain would. Natuwa lang ako... actually kasi naman, I'm in a situation right now where I have to do a ton of math things, physics and all that stuff. Ewan ko ba ano nakain ko at naisipan kong gawin to, I remember clearly after coming out of high school deciding na never would I do anything math related! Kaya nga gusto ko sa communications e, kasi i feel that my mind is wired to just blab and blab about everything and nothing. Ngayon lagi na sumasakit batok ko! kastress!
Sabaw. hahaha. I never felt so stupid in my life. Ganito pala feeling. I feel so helpless. Ewan ko kasi siguro stressed ako dami kasi iniisip kaya di makapagfocus at di maintindihan mga simpleng bagay. Gusto ko na umuwi! I need to raise my IQ points by thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much! i work better when i'm relaxed. sabi nila you have to push yourself beyond your comfort zone, haynaku that's why it's called comfort zone kasi comfortable dun and i'd rather stay there. hahahahaha! pero ok lang i feel like i've grown thiiis much. hahaha! tawa ako ng tawa. nababaliw na ko seriously.
I want to go home!!!!!
Sabaw. hahaha. I never felt so stupid in my life. Ganito pala feeling. I feel so helpless. Ewan ko kasi siguro stressed ako dami kasi iniisip kaya di makapagfocus at di maintindihan mga simpleng bagay. Gusto ko na umuwi! I need to raise my IQ points by thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much! i work better when i'm relaxed. sabi nila you have to push yourself beyond your comfort zone, haynaku that's why it's called comfort zone kasi comfortable dun and i'd rather stay there. hahahahaha! pero ok lang i feel like i've grown thiiis much. hahaha! tawa ako ng tawa. nababaliw na ko seriously.
I want to go home!!!!!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
swim or sink
I'm a starry eyed dreamer. My thoughts linger in the world of possibilities. Of sometimes, unrealities. I don't know, call me a retard but even when I was back in high school I thought that magic lamps exist, and that genies can grant me three wishes, so I've always had my list just in case that happens. I know that genies won't be taken for a fool so they won't grant me unlimited wishes. So I came up with something to somehow circumvent that, I had to wish for magical items.
1st wish, a treasure chest that automatically refills with treasure after you empty it. That takes care of my financial concerns in this world.
2nd wish, a magic platter with a cover that grants me any food that I can imagine. Everytime I have a mental picture of food in my head, I just have to lift the lid and there you go! I just love my food, I know that I can buy it with treasure from wish number 1 but hey, sometimes you just crave for a midnight snack and you want your food right there and then right?
3rd wish, a magic full size mirror that would let me see anything I want in this world and somehow become a teleportation device if I wish to go where I want to go. Nifty tool for voyeurism too!! hahahaha!
It's all fun and all as a younger person, having your creative imagination amuse you and make you believe that everything is possible, however as you start to leave the confines of youth and start to face the realities of life, it makes you wonder... is life really this challenging?
Maybe I just wasn't used to anything really hard. Maybe I'm so out of touch with the real world having to deal with clinical depression and other issues that I just didn't have the opportunity to explore what the real world is... It's challenging... I'm having a hard time.... As I type this post I just want to bawl out crying as I'm having a helluva hard time just surviving in another country, and the thought of going back home next year makes me realize that I don't know what to do with my life... I'm like a child with no lifesaver tossed out into the harsh seas... I'm surviving yes but barely... I don't know what the future holds for me. I try to often keep a positive optimistic attitude about everything but then I get back to thinking, is this all wishful thinking? Am I just being a kid who used to believe in magic lamps?
I'm scared....
My spirit wants to pursue life with passion, but reality weighs me down to what I have to face...
But despite everything I have a strong feeling that I will be doing something I love. Making an impact on this world, speaking my mind... Am I crazy? Am I just believing in magic lamps all over again?
I'm a dreamer... I dream... I believe... I survive... kasira ng moment kasi tagline sa starstruck hahahaha! pero akma kasi sa sitwasyon ko e...
I can do this... I don't have to be scared, I just have to learn how to swim.
1st wish, a treasure chest that automatically refills with treasure after you empty it. That takes care of my financial concerns in this world.
2nd wish, a magic platter with a cover that grants me any food that I can imagine. Everytime I have a mental picture of food in my head, I just have to lift the lid and there you go! I just love my food, I know that I can buy it with treasure from wish number 1 but hey, sometimes you just crave for a midnight snack and you want your food right there and then right?
3rd wish, a magic full size mirror that would let me see anything I want in this world and somehow become a teleportation device if I wish to go where I want to go. Nifty tool for voyeurism too!! hahahaha!
It's all fun and all as a younger person, having your creative imagination amuse you and make you believe that everything is possible, however as you start to leave the confines of youth and start to face the realities of life, it makes you wonder... is life really this challenging?
Maybe I just wasn't used to anything really hard. Maybe I'm so out of touch with the real world having to deal with clinical depression and other issues that I just didn't have the opportunity to explore what the real world is... It's challenging... I'm having a hard time.... As I type this post I just want to bawl out crying as I'm having a helluva hard time just surviving in another country, and the thought of going back home next year makes me realize that I don't know what to do with my life... I'm like a child with no lifesaver tossed out into the harsh seas... I'm surviving yes but barely... I don't know what the future holds for me. I try to often keep a positive optimistic attitude about everything but then I get back to thinking, is this all wishful thinking? Am I just being a kid who used to believe in magic lamps?
I'm scared....
My spirit wants to pursue life with passion, but reality weighs me down to what I have to face...
But despite everything I have a strong feeling that I will be doing something I love. Making an impact on this world, speaking my mind... Am I crazy? Am I just believing in magic lamps all over again?
I'm a dreamer... I dream... I believe... I survive... kasira ng moment kasi tagline sa starstruck hahahaha! pero akma kasi sa sitwasyon ko e...
I can do this... I don't have to be scared, I just have to learn how to swim.
Friday, September 28, 2012
.....
Wala ako maisip na title. Basta alam ko ang gaan ng feeling ko ngayon, hehehe. Nung nagout na ko sa parents ko feeling ko lahat ng baggage ko bigla nawala. Siguro subconsciously sila lang talaga ang nagmamatter sa akin na makaalam kung sino ako. Wala lang, ung acceptance kasi nila somehow validates my presence in this world, syempre sila gumawa sa akin, hehehe gusto ko tanggap nila ako. I feel whole now. Lahat ng mga real or imagined na mga issues ko all dissipated into thin air. Parang ngayon I can start living my life. Ala lang so happy. :) I got my groove back I think.. hmm.. not really... but I'm getting there.
:)
:)
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Coming Out Down Under
It took me a while...
a long while...
To finally have the courage to come out to my family.
I don't think it was really courage though.
It was more of a feeling of being tired. Of being tired hiding who I am.
Being in another country by yourself just puts so much pressure on you.
The stress, the homesickness, the lack of intimacy, the lack of familiarity all contributes to a feeling of helplessness... compounded by having to fight it off with a suit of armor to disguise who you really are. Ambigat kaya ng suit of metal armor noh! Di ka makalaban ng todo, but really hiding who you are weighs you down. It takes so much energy to lie...
So I first came out to my two sisters... It wasn't much of a surprise to them since medyo malamya talaga ako pag minsan. I came out because I want to live my life, my one life. MY life. I found a partner and he gave me the courage to come out, because I want him to be a part of my life, my family.
It was a relief having my sisters know about it. However as months went on, bumalik na naman yung feeling na nahihirapan ka just because you can't be yourself.
Pag pagod ka kasi physically, mentally, emotionally, all the negative thoughts hiding between the smallest nook and every crevice in your head just all come bubbling up to the surface... it's overwhelming. I didn't know who to turn to... I didn't know what to do....
So I called my mom.
I was at the end of my rope... I wanted to give up... to just lie in my bed hoping for time to stop.
I asked my mom... "Ma mahal mo ba ako kahit anong mangyari? kahit ano talaga mangyari?"
She replied with a hint of nervousness in her voice... "Ano ba yun anak? Iladlad mo na kasi yan..."
Suddenly listening at her words, I felt this wasn't going to be as hard as I thought it would be... I had a faint smile on my lips when I said... "Ma...."
She then replied with... "Ano ba yun anak, ready ka na ba magkagirlfriend or boyfriend?"
She didn't know I've already had some relationships in my past.
"Ma, alam mo na yun"
And so there we talked about it, how she always have suspected it, and how she just wanted it to come from me. She told me she loved me, that I'm her child and she would always love me.
Haaaay...
and then she told my dad.
made it easier for me.
My dad also accepted it. He was open minded enough to know that I am who I am. I am still their child and they love me.
Haaaay uli.....
hayun.
ewan ko ba.
Mixed emotions.
tuliro din kasi ako.
Hirap pag asa ibang bansa ka.
Ako pang walang experience makapagtrabaho. Tapos dito lahat na ng hirap pinagdaanan ko kaloka lang.
Anyway something good came out of it. I grew up. I came out. Down under.
a long while...
To finally have the courage to come out to my family.
I don't think it was really courage though.
It was more of a feeling of being tired. Of being tired hiding who I am.
Being in another country by yourself just puts so much pressure on you.
The stress, the homesickness, the lack of intimacy, the lack of familiarity all contributes to a feeling of helplessness... compounded by having to fight it off with a suit of armor to disguise who you really are. Ambigat kaya ng suit of metal armor noh! Di ka makalaban ng todo, but really hiding who you are weighs you down. It takes so much energy to lie...
So I first came out to my two sisters... It wasn't much of a surprise to them since medyo malamya talaga ako pag minsan. I came out because I want to live my life, my one life. MY life. I found a partner and he gave me the courage to come out, because I want him to be a part of my life, my family.
It was a relief having my sisters know about it. However as months went on, bumalik na naman yung feeling na nahihirapan ka just because you can't be yourself.
Pag pagod ka kasi physically, mentally, emotionally, all the negative thoughts hiding between the smallest nook and every crevice in your head just all come bubbling up to the surface... it's overwhelming. I didn't know who to turn to... I didn't know what to do....
So I called my mom.
I was at the end of my rope... I wanted to give up... to just lie in my bed hoping for time to stop.
I asked my mom... "Ma mahal mo ba ako kahit anong mangyari? kahit ano talaga mangyari?"
She replied with a hint of nervousness in her voice... "Ano ba yun anak? Iladlad mo na kasi yan..."
Suddenly listening at her words, I felt this wasn't going to be as hard as I thought it would be... I had a faint smile on my lips when I said... "Ma...."
She then replied with... "Ano ba yun anak, ready ka na ba magkagirlfriend or boyfriend?"
She didn't know I've already had some relationships in my past.
"Ma, alam mo na yun"
And so there we talked about it, how she always have suspected it, and how she just wanted it to come from me. She told me she loved me, that I'm her child and she would always love me.
Haaaay...
and then she told my dad.
made it easier for me.
My dad also accepted it. He was open minded enough to know that I am who I am. I am still their child and they love me.
Haaaay uli.....
hayun.
ewan ko ba.
Mixed emotions.
tuliro din kasi ako.
Hirap pag asa ibang bansa ka.
Ako pang walang experience makapagtrabaho. Tapos dito lahat na ng hirap pinagdaanan ko kaloka lang.
Anyway something good came out of it. I grew up. I came out. Down under.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
ramblings
I hate getting off-centered, ung irita lang ang feeling, when things seem to follow a really nasty streak of bad luck. Haaay.
I want to get fit this year. I vow to have the discipline to work out and diet.
I seriously need a new gym buddy, my current on and off gym buddy is more like my binge eating buddy.
I don't believe life lies in a continuum, mas feel ko ung parang per chapter sya. I'm entering a new chapter of my life, I'm excited.
I just recently realized that I have trouble letting go and embracing change. It's a painful process for me.
I'd rather have anger issues than be apathetic. I'd like to think I'm just passionate about my feelings, no anger issues here, just saying.
I want to start fresh, I want to move out of the country. Sometimes the people around you keeps you from moving forward.
Life is good. You just have to learn to work hard to make it so.
Everything has a price. You need to be willing to pay the price for what you want. There's no such thing as a free pass baby.
Life's a mind game.
I am deus, hear me roar. :)
Whew, glad to get that out. I'm feeling much better now. :)
Sunday, May 22, 2011
No He's Not
So how do you come out to your parents? to your family? do you blurt it out while watching a telenovela and hope that the discussion about it stops as soon as the commercial is over? do you go out for coffee and have a heart to heart talk with them? do you send them a supposedly wrong sent message confirming your identity? It's tricky.
Lately i've been wanting more and more to share who i am with my family. I want them to love me and know me for who i am. I want them to be part of my life. It takes so much energy to lie. I love my family and i want to live this one life without any pretenses specially with them.
One of the reasons why my desire to come out is stronger is because i want to settle down. I want to be with the one i love and live my life as a normal adult, being gay is inconsequential, i just want to live my life openly as a normal human adult without any prejudice. I want to work, come home to my partner, invest, spend, laugh, plan, dream, cry, and start a family. All that would be difficult if you don't have a solid support system like your family, who will anchor you to your commitment and make you realize that spending your one life with your one partner, one soulmate is possible. I want my family to be part of my journey, I want me to be part of theirs.
I've been tentative as to how and when i will come out, i'm still not quite certain. However, i have been more relaxed when i'm with them, guards down. So much so that my mom has always been asking me for my alter-ego, kung ano daw ba talaga pagkatao ko. It's funny, i know she knows, and she hints that she knows, but i know that she doesn't want it to be so. Denial is such a powerful force, it makes you blind to what is in front of you, makes you grasp at whatever indication that your suspicions are false, no matter how tenuous it might be.
Before, everytime my mom asks me about my orientation, i would simply answer her humorously. "Ikaw talaga ma!", "Ano bang tanong yan ma!", "kung anu-ano naiisip mo ma!", followed by a hearty laugh. Never confirming nor denying, but always making me feel all guilty inside.
Recently when she asked me this, she was on the bed, i was in front of the mirror, spending way too much time on the mirror, then she asked me, "nagdududa na talaga ako sa yo, ano ka ba talaga?" with a teasing smile on her face, i just looked at her, lay beside her in bed, my face turned against her, and whispered, "kaw talaga ma..." no laughs.
What prompted me to write this post is what happened with my dad earlier. My dad never questioned nor hinted his suspicions at me, although my mom did reveal to me when i was younger that he did wonder about my masculinity, but that was just once, that i know of.
Earlier in the day, i shared an amusing story about how an old friend of mine, who's now living in the states, is looking for me through a common friend. Our common friend told me that she was in love with me and would seriously come home to the Philippines in a heartbeat to marry me. To me it was cute in a way, yet funny at the same time since we've never really been together and i just found it a bit peculiar, so out of the blue.
Me: dad lam mo may friend ako sa states, uuwi daw ng Pinas para lang pakasalan ako.
Dad: babae?
A Freudian slip.
My world slowed down a bit, but i quickly resumed my tempo to hide my surprise.
Me: oo, citizen na nga ata yun dun eh, hehehe.
So there, i thought to myself? pano kung sinabi ko lalake? I stopped myself thinking, that incident just made me realize that no matter how hard i try to be butch and guyish, they can see right through me. They know me, I'm their child.
My mom revealed to me once that she asked some of her gay friends to test their gaydars on me. Their answer, "no he's not." My mom was elated. I was crushed. What my mom is playing is such a delicate balancing act, on the one hand knowing who i am, on the other, denying.
I dream of the day when my mom would tell her friends, "Yes he is." beaming with pride. But i understand that i still have a long way to go. Baby steps deus, baby steps.
Lately i've been wanting more and more to share who i am with my family. I want them to love me and know me for who i am. I want them to be part of my life. It takes so much energy to lie. I love my family and i want to live this one life without any pretenses specially with them.
One of the reasons why my desire to come out is stronger is because i want to settle down. I want to be with the one i love and live my life as a normal adult, being gay is inconsequential, i just want to live my life openly as a normal human adult without any prejudice. I want to work, come home to my partner, invest, spend, laugh, plan, dream, cry, and start a family. All that would be difficult if you don't have a solid support system like your family, who will anchor you to your commitment and make you realize that spending your one life with your one partner, one soulmate is possible. I want my family to be part of my journey, I want me to be part of theirs.
I've been tentative as to how and when i will come out, i'm still not quite certain. However, i have been more relaxed when i'm with them, guards down. So much so that my mom has always been asking me for my alter-ego, kung ano daw ba talaga pagkatao ko. It's funny, i know she knows, and she hints that she knows, but i know that she doesn't want it to be so. Denial is such a powerful force, it makes you blind to what is in front of you, makes you grasp at whatever indication that your suspicions are false, no matter how tenuous it might be.
Before, everytime my mom asks me about my orientation, i would simply answer her humorously. "Ikaw talaga ma!", "Ano bang tanong yan ma!", "kung anu-ano naiisip mo ma!", followed by a hearty laugh. Never confirming nor denying, but always making me feel all guilty inside.
Recently when she asked me this, she was on the bed, i was in front of the mirror, spending way too much time on the mirror, then she asked me, "nagdududa na talaga ako sa yo, ano ka ba talaga?" with a teasing smile on her face, i just looked at her, lay beside her in bed, my face turned against her, and whispered, "kaw talaga ma..." no laughs.
What prompted me to write this post is what happened with my dad earlier. My dad never questioned nor hinted his suspicions at me, although my mom did reveal to me when i was younger that he did wonder about my masculinity, but that was just once, that i know of.
Earlier in the day, i shared an amusing story about how an old friend of mine, who's now living in the states, is looking for me through a common friend. Our common friend told me that she was in love with me and would seriously come home to the Philippines in a heartbeat to marry me. To me it was cute in a way, yet funny at the same time since we've never really been together and i just found it a bit peculiar, so out of the blue.
Me: dad lam mo may friend ako sa states, uuwi daw ng Pinas para lang pakasalan ako.
Dad: babae?
A Freudian slip.
My world slowed down a bit, but i quickly resumed my tempo to hide my surprise.
Me: oo, citizen na nga ata yun dun eh, hehehe.
So there, i thought to myself? pano kung sinabi ko lalake? I stopped myself thinking, that incident just made me realize that no matter how hard i try to be butch and guyish, they can see right through me. They know me, I'm their child.
My mom revealed to me once that she asked some of her gay friends to test their gaydars on me. Their answer, "no he's not." My mom was elated. I was crushed. What my mom is playing is such a delicate balancing act, on the one hand knowing who i am, on the other, denying.
I dream of the day when my mom would tell her friends, "Yes he is." beaming with pride. But i understand that i still have a long way to go. Baby steps deus, baby steps.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
mush
Okay, so I've been really busy lately hence the lack of posts. Had a really interesting summer, a lot of things happened, things that are definitely seared into my long term memory, summer of 2011 you rock! It's not exactly all fun and games, I went through some really tough times this month but the upside to it is that it made me all grown up, made me look at the world sans the rose colored glasses, i saw the world for what it really is and i'm now ready for it.
We only have one life to live, that I understand now. There are times when we feel like mortality is but a distant folklore, and we try to live an epicurean lifestyle, what is pleasurable is good, what is boring is bad. However, there is also pleasure in sadness, in reality, in truth. We live in an age where the myth of happiness is everybody's life goal, but the truth is you don't need to be constantly smiling and easy going to be happy. Sometimes powering through the challenges specific to your fate, to your circumstance, to your life is enough of a satisfaction. There is a profound sense of confidence when you understand that your life is yours to live and that every flaw in it is yours and yours alone and that's what makes each of our lives unique.
Try talking to any stranger on the street and you'll find that each one of them has a story to tell, each one as diverse and as interesting as the next if not more. Filipino tv makes a killing out of these stories, and these stories serve as a reminder that we don't need to conform, what makes us different is what makes us interesting.
I am interesting, that I understand now. For a long time, I wanted the life of other people I know, life that seems so charmed, so perfect, but then again that assumption is ignorant. For no one is immune to the tragedies that makes life all the more worth it. I am more comfortable with myself now, I am who I am. This is my life and I'm going to seize it as my own. I am in the zone. I am in my zone.
Mush, that's how my brain feels like right now for everything that i've been through this month. I'm taking a short break from it all, regain my bearing, and live every second of my life as my own.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Hollow Block
I took a friend out today. She's been down on her luck lately and I thought I' d cheer her up.
She's supposed to be due for New Zealand, but the recent catastrophic earthquake that shook this little Maori nation proved to be the cause of delay for her departure. I remember how she'd often talk about going bungee jumping once she gets there, and how giddy and excited she'd get when she talks about it, she even gets this sparkle in her eyes when she daydreams about it.
So I thought I'd give her a taste of how it feels like to plummet towards the ground face down. We went rappelling. It was a 60-foot free fall drop that literally turned my knees into jello.
It was fun. They say that courage can be acquired through habit, well this exercise would definitely turn one's pusong mamon into steel.
Throughout the duration of the day, we've been talking about anything and everything just as friends do. However I suddenly sensed a certain kind of heaviness, I can't really explain what really, but just heavy. Mabigat sa ulo, sa utak, sa vibe, ewan ko basta mabigat. I don't know if it's just me or whatever but I certainly sensed this 'feel' distinctly.
We've been friends for almost 3 years now, met her through nursing school. She's been through a lot in her life, from her adolescence years, domestic issues, everything just seems to be hard for her. Even the person processing her papers was baffled as to why everything wrong that could happen, happened to her, talk about Murphy's law in action.
Trying to dissect what happened earlier made me realize that because I'm now going in a more positive and optimistic state of mind makes me more sensitive to this kind of 'heavy' vibe. I'm not saying she's negative or anything, but things sure seem to fall out of place with her plans. Maybe because of everything she had to go through in life, an unconscious part of her expects things to go awry or difficult most of the time. Thoughts are things, and although she's a fighter trying to power her way through each and every obstacle in her life, things just don't seem to get any easier for her. Maybe the problem lies with her subconscious.
We need some major reprogramming to do. A psychobabble here, a little motivational talk there, a little humor on the side, anything just to rewire her thoughts. She's a very positive person so I'm not really sure where all this is coming from, maybe it's some deep unresolved issues with her past that she didn't quite come to terms with yet, I'm not really sure. All I know is that nakakahawa ang bigat. Pagkauwi ko parang pagod na pagod ako, I felt so drained.
Haay, positive thoughts, happy thoughts! smile smile smile!!!! :)
She's supposed to be due for New Zealand, but the recent catastrophic earthquake that shook this little Maori nation proved to be the cause of delay for her departure. I remember how she'd often talk about going bungee jumping once she gets there, and how giddy and excited she'd get when she talks about it, she even gets this sparkle in her eyes when she daydreams about it.
So I thought I'd give her a taste of how it feels like to plummet towards the ground face down. We went rappelling. It was a 60-foot free fall drop that literally turned my knees into jello.
It was fun. They say that courage can be acquired through habit, well this exercise would definitely turn one's pusong mamon into steel.
Throughout the duration of the day, we've been talking about anything and everything just as friends do. However I suddenly sensed a certain kind of heaviness, I can't really explain what really, but just heavy. Mabigat sa ulo, sa utak, sa vibe, ewan ko basta mabigat. I don't know if it's just me or whatever but I certainly sensed this 'feel' distinctly.
We've been friends for almost 3 years now, met her through nursing school. She's been through a lot in her life, from her adolescence years, domestic issues, everything just seems to be hard for her. Even the person processing her papers was baffled as to why everything wrong that could happen, happened to her, talk about Murphy's law in action.
Trying to dissect what happened earlier made me realize that because I'm now going in a more positive and optimistic state of mind makes me more sensitive to this kind of 'heavy' vibe. I'm not saying she's negative or anything, but things sure seem to fall out of place with her plans. Maybe because of everything she had to go through in life, an unconscious part of her expects things to go awry or difficult most of the time. Thoughts are things, and although she's a fighter trying to power her way through each and every obstacle in her life, things just don't seem to get any easier for her. Maybe the problem lies with her subconscious.
We need some major reprogramming to do. A psychobabble here, a little motivational talk there, a little humor on the side, anything just to rewire her thoughts. She's a very positive person so I'm not really sure where all this is coming from, maybe it's some deep unresolved issues with her past that she didn't quite come to terms with yet, I'm not really sure. All I know is that nakakahawa ang bigat. Pagkauwi ko parang pagod na pagod ako, I felt so drained.
Haay, positive thoughts, happy thoughts! smile smile smile!!!! :)
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Habulan
As I have written before, my first run was an epic fail. I'm not trying to make excuses but I was totally unprepared for it. It was a 10k run and at that time I haven't been physically active for a while, never trained for it, been drinking heavily, and I was emotionally distressed. I vowed that it will never happen again.
I set myself a goal for this year, as an act of vindication from my mortifying ordeal at that first attempt at running, I would run a 5k this year and finish among the first half of the runners.
I gave myself 21 days to prepare. My practice jogs were incrementally improving as the days went on, but I still know that it wasn't enough, it was always a struggle. I told myself, baby steps deus, baby steps.
Today against all odds... I did it. I finished among the first half of the runners. :)
One of my goals for the year has been ticked. I never could have expected it.
I can't stop smiling. :)
That's all, gotta run!
I set myself a goal for this year, as an act of vindication from my mortifying ordeal at that first attempt at running, I would run a 5k this year and finish among the first half of the runners.
I gave myself 21 days to prepare. My practice jogs were incrementally improving as the days went on, but I still know that it wasn't enough, it was always a struggle. I told myself, baby steps deus, baby steps.
Today against all odds... I did it. I finished among the first half of the runners. :)
One of my goals for the year has been ticked. I never could have expected it.
I can't stop smiling. :)
That's all, gotta run!
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