Ocean Deep

Mr. Sandman proved to be very elusive last night. I kept on tossing and turning. My mind kept darting back and forth between thoughts of him and thoughts of wanting to move on. I understand that this won't go away easily, having someone for 4 years meant that I have to wait a wee bit longer to get used to being on my own.

The littlest thing seems to trigger my thoughts of him. A program on tv that we used to anticipate for the week, our favorite food, a scent, some inside jokes, those kind of trivial mundane things make the transition a bit tricky.

But last night was enough, I have struggled the past few days with thoughts of him but tonight was the night it ended. I have to do something about it. They say that the only thing that you have absolute exclusive control of is your mind. Tonight I'm going to exercise my exclusive privilege, I'm going to do something about this.

Now, the plan is, every time a thought of him pops in this crazy head of mine, i divert that thought into thinking about the ocean. Now don't ask me why the ocean, that was the first thing that I came up with. So there I was lying on my bed, staring at the dark, then I thought about how he was always chirpy in the morning even after a major fight the night before (which makes me really mad because he won't even apologize about it, he thinks that all is well if he's kinda gotten over it and I haven't, and its my fault that I haven't). Okay so here I go... Oceans oceans oceans... wow this is kinda working, the tranquil azure waters, the cool breeze, a single yacht on the horizon (or a boat of some sort whatever, just to break the monotony of the scene) it was relaxing... and it worked. I then drifted off to sleep.

The following day, I was refreshed and raring to go. The day went exceptionally well, a few thoughts of him about twice, then oceans I go.

I had a great dinner with the family, worked out properly (although I had a sore shoulder because I might have overdone it with the kettle bells). A day without him gnawing in my head.

So night falls, I brushed my teeth with my appetite suppressant toothpaste, washed my face, and put on my sweater. I lay on my bed all comfy and content with dreams of the future all sparkling in my head. Then it happened.

I kept stealing glances from my phone for a message, a message that deep in my heart I know who I was expecting from ( a good night perhaps, or a message of regret and apology)...

Damn, I guess I just have to contend with having to think about oceans my whole life.

It is what it is

All my life i've constantly struggled with myself, with my environment, with the people around me. Yes there are a lot of issues around me but the one thing that I truly failed to zero in to be central to my problems was my sexual identity. Yes I am gay. There I said it. So yeah that was kinda like my coming out.

I have never really felt comfortable with my own skin. Never really felt I belonged or that somebody understands. I just know that something is wrong with me and that society at large doesn't approve of it.

You a fan of glee? Notice how they celebrate being different and all? Yeah its true that when you're younger you just want to fit in and that you only appreciate your difference as you get older. But then again it doesn't make the memory of being bullied any easier.

Yes I am a victim of bullying. There again I said it. They say that recognition is the first step to recovery. I don't want to ever forget again. I have often repressed these memories because they were just too damn painful. But that prevents me from moving forward.

Aside from the social alienation that you get from being 'different', being bullied is no laughing matter. Grabe there was this one time, eh medyo di pa ko talaga aware na may mali sa mga ginagawa ko, naglalaro kami sa school ng chinese garter, take note with girls ha! I'm so gay! hahahaha! Eh pano ba naman magaling ako dun, I don't play sports and that was the closest thing my pretty little legs could do. I pride myself at being very good at it kaya. So this one time, as I was about to hurdle one particularly challenging level (yung nasa level na ng ulo nila) one particularly insecure chap (i guess he was a closet case kaya ganun) tripped me as i was running to provide momentum for my jump. Blag!!! grabe sakit nun ha! i couldn't do anything... He was much larger than I am, he had friends for backup, I have none...

Hay isa lang yun sa mga madami pang pambubully na minsan eh tumagal pa hanggang college, na medyo subtle na lang pero hurtful pa rin...

Yung mga akala kong normal na ginagawa ko nung bata ako ay palatandaan pala kung ano talaga ako. It just comes naturally to me. Only when I realized that society frowns upon it that I started to learn to act to be more masculine, to sort of play charades with my identity.

Ngayon, I know what I am. Pero I still couldn't come out. I still have a lot of things to fix.
Having come from a really messed up, narcissistic, manipulative relationship with someone with no heart, I have to do some major damage control in my life.

This blog I came upon helped solidify my understanding that I am gay. There comes a time in a gay man's life when he questions everything about himself. Am I really gay? Do I just need more guy friends? Baka medyo malambot lang ako, I think I like girls naman baka bi ako. These are the streams of thought that one goes through before realizing that he is indeed gay. Only when you've come out to yourself can you start living your life.

borngaybornthisway.blogspot.com makes you realize that you are born gay. I mean nung pagkabasa ko nitong blog nito and seeing all the pictures and reading the stories, I can totally relate. I mean I exactly have pictures and videos such as these!!! Why the denial from my family? Sana they could have just accepted it and gotten over it na lang. Tapos support na lang kasi I never asked to be born this way di ba?

Pero I think the age of enlightenment is upon us, nagsisimula na ang acceptance paunti unti dito sa Pilipinas. I just hope no kid ever has to go through the turmoil of sexual identity crisis as I did. Hirap kaya.

Starting over

Okay so first things first, ever since naging kami ng ex ko, he made me stop going to the gym. E therapeutic kaya yun sa kin. Una asthmatic ako at mahina katawan ko so I need it para makagalaw ng maayos sa mundong ito. Ikaw ba gusto mo ung nurse mo e sumisipol habang humihinga? yaiks! Tsaka having been through a lot in my life, exercise helps me cope with all my issues, ika nga ni Reese sa legally blonde "endorphins make you happy" Pero still I gave it up para wala ng away, para sa kanya (pero nung sya naman na eh tumataba na, hirit sa kin "tara gym tayo!" hello talk to your face arsehole! hahaha)

So now got to get me back in shape! Jog bukas! I'm starting over!

I'm back!

Wow going through my old posts was refreshing and amusing at the same time. Grabe this is the joy of keeping a web log. You get to see yourself in a different light and perspective at different periods of time. Parang ang naive naive ko pa nun at napaka immature. A lot has changed since then. I'm more serious and mature now. I guess that's what you get when you go through a major change in your life.

My relationship of 4 years has finally ended... I'ts sad. But I guess it was mutual. We just don't have anything else in us to keep holding on to the relationship. Usually I'm the one who cling and try to work things out, because I'm sincere in keeping our promise of forever. I guess there's no such thing as forever.

I knew it was over when I no longer had anything to say to him. E madaldal ako, kaya pag wala na kong masabi alam kong hindi utak ko o bibig ko ang pagod... puso ko ang pagod.. Choz! hahaha pero seriously, I've never felt so defeated in my life before. I just feel numb. But I guess this experience taught me to be stronger.

And stronger will I be. I got to live my life the way I've always intended it to be. No more restrictions, no more jealousy, no more petty fights, no more insecurity, no more love...

Is it possible that I was born to be alone?

RN na wohoo!!!

okay so ngayon lang uli ako nakapagblog. Naku i had been reading the previous posts medyo gloomy! hahaha. di bale aayusin natin yan. anyway, things have been a little tough lately pero my spirit was lifted nang bumalik ako dito at nabasa ang mga naipong positivity sa mga posts (which initially was the sole intent of this blog) ganito na lang to make things cheery i'm going to write down a few things. We're going to tap into the power of the secret ok guys? (haha guys daw oh para namang may nagbabasa nito e private to hahahaha sira talaga ko!)
ok heto ang mga gusto ko.
1. i would really want a really really spiffy cam ala ako alam sa mga specs ng magandang cam e alam ko lang i would want one. para din mapaganda ko tong blog ko di ba?
2. i'm going to serendipitously meet someone who would open up a major career opportunity for me in writing, being on tv hosting, and teaching in a nursing review course o di ba?
3. i will be having a really cool group of friends na tipong they know me for who i am and accepts all my quirks and oddities hahahaha.
4. i will meet someone special. someone strong (in all aspects), emotionally and financially stable, and who will love me for all my flaws, crazy in love with me and i will be the same with ahem. hihihi.
5. i will love me for who i am.

*Edit (March 7, 2011) ayoko na maging tv host, motivational professional speaker na. Ayoko na din maging reviewer, clinical instructor na lang sa school. hahaha!

sad..

I know I intended this blog to be positive and optimistic. As i have said from the start, in with the new out with the old. But lately, i find it hard to remain positive. Haay, just want to die..

a dream is a wish your heart makes... shattered.

Sad.. I have very little hope of passing the board exams due to a technicality.. I want to focus on other things right now.. Hope something bright occupies my life right now. I feel sad that all the happy moments i had with my family preparing for my exam went down the drain. The trip to Manaoag, my father driving, my mom's prayers, my dad giving everything for my review (all the review materials, gym, everything..) my mom's support and well wishes.. just sad..

I cried after the exam, if you planned a life you wanted so much that it's clear and vivid in your mind it almost feels real, then something comes along to take it all away, it's so heart wrenching so painful..