sabaw!

sabaw na ang utak ko. hahaha! di na nagfufunction ewan ko ba. I just read a few weeks ago that difficult math challenges can actually trigger physical symptoms just like pain would. Natuwa lang ako... actually kasi naman, I'm in a situation right now where I have to do a ton of math things, physics and all that stuff. Ewan ko ba ano nakain ko at naisipan kong gawin to, I remember clearly after coming out of high school deciding na never would I do anything math related! Kaya nga gusto ko sa communications e, kasi i feel that my mind is wired to just blab and blab about everything and nothing.  Ngayon lagi na sumasakit batok ko! kastress!

Sabaw. hahaha. I never felt so stupid in my life. Ganito pala feeling. I feel so helpless. Ewan ko kasi siguro stressed ako dami kasi iniisip kaya di makapagfocus at di maintindihan mga simpleng bagay. Gusto ko na umuwi! I need to raise my IQ points by thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much! i work better when i'm relaxed. sabi nila you have to push yourself beyond your comfort zone, haynaku that's why it's called comfort zone kasi comfortable dun and i'd rather stay there. hahahahaha! pero ok lang i feel like i've grown thiiis much. hahaha! tawa ako ng tawa. nababaliw na ko seriously.

I want to go home!!!!!

swim or sink

I'm a starry eyed dreamer.  My thoughts linger in the world of possibilities. Of sometimes, unrealities. I don't know, call me a retard but even when I was back in high school I thought that magic lamps exist, and that genies can grant me three wishes, so I've always had my list just in case that happens.  I know that genies won't be taken for a fool so they won't grant me unlimited wishes.  So I came up with something to somehow circumvent that, I had to wish for magical items.
1st wish, a treasure chest that automatically refills with treasure after you empty it.  That takes care of my financial concerns in this world. 
2nd wish, a magic platter with a cover that grants me any food that I can imagine.  Everytime I have a mental picture of food in my head, I just have to lift the lid and there you go! I just love my food, I know that I can buy it with treasure from wish number 1  but hey, sometimes you just crave for a midnight snack and you want your food right there and then right?
3rd wish,  a magic full size mirror that would let me see anything I want in this world and somehow become a teleportation device if I wish to go where I want to go.  Nifty tool for voyeurism too!! hahahaha!

It's all fun and all as a younger person, having your creative imagination amuse you and make you believe that everything is possible, however as you start to leave the confines of youth and start to face the realities of life, it makes you wonder... is life really this challenging?

Maybe I just wasn't used to anything really hard.  Maybe I'm so out of touch with the real world having to deal with clinical depression and other issues that I just didn't have the opportunity to explore what the real world is... It's challenging... I'm having a hard time.... As I type this post I just want to bawl out crying as I'm having a helluva hard time just surviving in another country, and the thought of going back home next year makes me realize that I don't know what to do with my life... I'm like a child with no lifesaver tossed out into the harsh seas... I'm surviving yes but barely...  I don't know what the future holds for me.  I try to often keep a positive optimistic attitude about everything but then I get back to thinking, is this all wishful thinking? Am I just being a kid who used to believe in magic lamps? 

I'm scared....

My spirit wants to pursue life with passion, but reality weighs me down to what I have to face...

But despite everything I have a strong feeling that I will be doing something I love.  Making an impact on this world, speaking my mind... Am I crazy?  Am I just believing in magic lamps all over again?

I'm a dreamer... I dream... I believe... I survive... kasira ng moment kasi tagline sa starstruck hahahaha! pero akma kasi sa sitwasyon ko e...

I can do this...  I don't have to be scared, I just have to learn how to swim.

.....

Wala ako maisip na title.  Basta alam ko ang gaan ng feeling ko ngayon, hehehe. Nung nagout na ko sa parents ko feeling ko lahat ng baggage ko bigla nawala.  Siguro subconsciously sila lang talaga ang nagmamatter sa akin na makaalam kung sino ako.  Wala lang, ung acceptance kasi nila somehow validates my presence in this world, syempre sila gumawa sa akin, hehehe gusto ko tanggap nila ako.  I feel whole now.  Lahat ng mga real or imagined na mga issues ko all dissipated into thin air.  Parang ngayon I can start living my life.  Ala lang so happy. :)  I got my groove back I think.. hmm.. not really... but I'm getting there.

:)

Coming Out Down Under

It took me a while...

a long while...

To finally have the courage to come out to my family.

I don't think it was really courage though.

It was more of a feeling of being tired.  Of being tired hiding who I am.

Being in another country by yourself just puts so much pressure on you.

The stress, the homesickness, the lack of intimacy, the lack of familiarity all contributes to a feeling of helplessness... compounded by having to fight it off with a suit of armor to disguise who you really are. Ambigat kaya ng suit of metal armor noh!  Di ka makalaban ng todo, but really hiding who you are weighs you down.  It takes so much energy to lie...

So I first came out to my two sisters... It wasn't much of a surprise to them since medyo malamya talaga ako pag minsan.  I came out because I want to live  my life, my one life. MY life. I found a partner and he gave me the courage to come out, because I want him to be a part of my life, my family.

It was a relief having my sisters know about it.   However as months went on, bumalik na naman yung feeling na nahihirapan ka just because you can't be yourself.

Pag pagod ka kasi physically, mentally, emotionally, all the negative thoughts hiding between the smallest nook and every crevice in your head just all come bubbling up to the surface... it's overwhelming.  I didn't know who to turn to... I didn't know what to do....

So I called my mom.

I was at the end of my rope... I wanted to give up... to just lie in my bed hoping for time to stop.

I asked my mom... "Ma mahal mo ba ako kahit anong mangyari? kahit ano talaga mangyari?"

She replied with a hint of nervousness in her voice... "Ano ba yun anak?  Iladlad mo na kasi yan..."

Suddenly listening at her words, I felt this wasn't going to be as hard as I thought it would be... I had a faint smile on my lips when I said... "Ma...."

She then replied with... "Ano ba yun anak, ready ka na ba magkagirlfriend or boyfriend?"

She didn't know I've already had some relationships in my past.

"Ma, alam mo na yun"

And so there we talked about it, how she always have suspected it, and how she just wanted it to come from me.  She told me she loved me, that I'm her child and she would always love me.

Haaaay...

and then she told my dad.

made it easier for me.

My dad also accepted it.  He was open minded enough to know that I am who I am.  I am still their child and they love me.

Haaaay uli.....

hayun.

ewan ko ba.

Mixed emotions.

tuliro din kasi ako.

Hirap pag asa ibang bansa ka.

Ako pang walang experience makapagtrabaho. Tapos dito lahat na ng hirap pinagdaanan ko kaloka lang.

Anyway something good came out of it.  I grew up.  I came out. Down under.

ramblings

I hate getting off-centered, ung irita lang ang feeling, when things seem to follow a really nasty streak of bad luck. Haaay.

I want to get fit this year. I vow to have the discipline to work out and diet.

I seriously need a new gym buddy, my current on and off gym buddy is more like my binge eating buddy.

I don't believe life lies in a continuum, mas feel ko ung parang per chapter sya. I'm entering a new chapter of my life, I'm excited.

I just recently realized that I have trouble letting go and embracing change. It's a painful process for me.

I'd rather have anger issues than be apathetic. I'd like to think I'm just passionate about my feelings, no anger issues here, just saying.

I want to start fresh, I want to move out of the country. Sometimes the people around you keeps you from moving forward.

Life is good. You just have to learn to work hard to make it so.

Everything has a price. You need to be willing to pay the price for what you want. There's no such thing as a free pass baby.

Life's a mind game.

I am deus, hear me roar. :)

Whew, glad to get that out. I'm feeling much better now. :)

No He's Not

So how do you come out to your parents? to your family? do you blurt it out while watching a telenovela and hope that the discussion about it stops as soon as the commercial is over? do you go out for coffee and have a heart to heart talk with them? do you send them a supposedly wrong sent message confirming your identity? It's tricky.

Lately i've been wanting more and more to share who i am with my family. I want them to love me and know me for who i am. I want them to be part of my life. It takes so much energy to lie. I love my family and i want to live this one life without any pretenses specially with them.

One of the reasons why my desire to come out is stronger is because i want to settle down. I want to be with the one i love and live my life as a normal adult, being gay is inconsequential, i just want to live my life openly as a normal human adult without any prejudice. I want to work, come home to my partner, invest, spend, laugh, plan, dream, cry, and start a family. All that would be difficult if you don't have a solid support system like your family, who will anchor you to your commitment and make you realize that spending your one life with your one partner, one soulmate is possible. I want my family to be part of my journey, I want me to be part of theirs.

I've been tentative as to how and when i will come out, i'm still not quite certain. However, i have been more relaxed when i'm with them, guards down. So much so that my mom has always been asking me for my alter-ego, kung ano daw ba talaga pagkatao ko. It's funny, i know she knows, and she hints that she knows, but i know that she doesn't want it to be so. Denial is such a powerful force, it makes you blind to what is in front of you, makes you grasp at whatever indication that your suspicions are false, no matter how tenuous it might be.

Before, everytime my mom asks me about my orientation, i would simply answer her humorously. "Ikaw talaga ma!", "Ano bang tanong yan ma!", "kung anu-ano naiisip mo ma!", followed by a hearty laugh. Never confirming nor denying, but always making me feel all guilty inside.

Recently when she asked me this, she was on the bed, i was in front of the mirror, spending way too much time on the mirror, then she asked me, "nagdududa na talaga ako sa yo, ano ka ba talaga?" with a teasing smile on her face, i just looked at her, lay beside her in bed, my face turned against her, and whispered, "kaw talaga ma..." no laughs.

What prompted me to write this post is what happened with my dad earlier. My dad never questioned nor hinted his suspicions at me, although my mom did reveal to me when i was younger that he did wonder about my masculinity, but that was just once, that i know of.

Earlier in the day, i shared an amusing story about how an old friend of mine, who's now living in the states, is looking for me through a common friend. Our common friend told me that she was in love with me and would seriously come home to the Philippines in a heartbeat to marry me. To me it was cute in a way, yet funny at the same time since we've never really been together and i just found it a bit peculiar, so out of the blue.

Me: dad lam mo may friend ako sa states, uuwi daw ng Pinas para lang pakasalan ako.

Dad: babae?

A Freudian slip.

My world slowed down a bit, but i quickly resumed my tempo to hide my surprise.

Me: oo, citizen na nga ata yun dun eh, hehehe.

So there, i thought to myself? pano kung sinabi ko lalake? I stopped myself thinking, that incident just made me realize that no matter how hard i try to be butch and guyish, they can see right through me. They know me, I'm their child.

My mom revealed to me once that she asked some of her gay friends to test their gaydars on me. Their answer, "no he's not." My mom was elated. I was crushed. What my mom is playing is such a delicate balancing act, on the one hand knowing who i am, on the other, denying.

I dream of the day when my mom would tell her friends, "Yes he is." beaming with pride. But i understand that i still have a long way to go. Baby steps deus, baby steps.

mush

Okay, so I've been really busy lately hence the lack of posts. Had a really interesting summer, a lot of things happened, things that are definitely seared into my long term memory, summer of 2011 you rock! It's not exactly all fun and games, I went through some really tough times this month but the upside to it is that it made me all grown up, made me look at the world sans the rose colored glasses, i saw the world for what it really is and i'm now ready for it.

We only have one life to live, that I understand now. There are times when we feel like mortality is but a distant folklore, and we try to live an epicurean lifestyle, what is pleasurable is good, what is boring is bad. However, there is also pleasure in sadness, in reality, in truth. We live in an age where the myth of happiness is everybody's life goal, but the truth is you don't need to be constantly smiling and easy going to be happy. Sometimes powering through the challenges specific to your fate, to your circumstance, to your life is enough of a satisfaction. There is a profound sense of confidence when you understand that your life is yours to live and that every flaw in it is yours and yours alone and that's what makes each of our lives unique.

Try talking to any stranger on the street and you'll find that each one of them has a story to tell, each one as diverse and as interesting as the next if not more. Filipino tv makes a killing out of these stories, and these stories serve as a reminder that we don't need to conform, what makes us different is what makes us interesting.

I am interesting, that I understand now. For a long time, I wanted the life of other people I know, life that seems so charmed, so perfect, but then again that assumption is ignorant. For no one is immune to the tragedies that makes life all the more worth it. I am more comfortable with myself now, I am who I am. This is my life and I'm going to seize it as my own. I am in the zone. I am in my zone.

Mush, that's how my brain feels like right now for everything that i've been through this month. I'm taking a short break from it all, regain my bearing, and live every second of my life as my own.