Nerves

Sobrang kinakabahan na ko.

Anxiety attack talaga.

In school, I love presentations and reports. I love speaking in front of the class. It gives you a sense of control, gives you the power to persuade people to look at your own point of view and have them agree to it.

But now with only 2 days notice, I have to speak in front of a relatively large crowd, close to a hundred people. I feel so unprepared, and with a lot of things going on the past few days, I have but little time to prepare a decent speech.

Para na kong nahihilo at nasusuka. Di na ko makakain ng maayos.

Haay, during times like these, I call my ex and tell him all my worries and everything seems to go away. He calms me really.

I used to have trouble sleeping before, ang daming pumapasok sa utak ko right when my head hits my pillow. Minsan di maganda gising ko, I don't feel rested. When I met him, nakakatulog na ko ng mahimbing. Lagi ko yong sinasabi sa kanya, kung gano pati sa pagtulog ay sya ang rason ko. He was my everything, kaya nga ang hirap bumalik uli sa pagiging mag isa.

I feel safe when I'm with him. Feeling ko kaya ko lahat basta kasama ko sya, kaya naming lahat.

I'm a hopeless romantic, he was my fairytale story come true. Too bad it didn't have a happy ending, life got in the way.

Sabi nila married men live longer than single men. I want to live longer. I want to meet someone. I'm starting to enjoy my independence now, and starting to grow stronger without him. But sometimes I can't help but want him by my side. I want us to have our dreams back, I want us to be salt and pepper again. It's hard getting over someone. Specially someone who you really love, someone who you envisioned growing old together, someone to share my one life with.

I miss him. I miss us. So bad.

But right now I have to deal with my nerves.

P.J.

I was told we were going somewhere else, for a nightcap after a tedious day of seminars and talks.
Then my heart started to race when we suddenly took a quick turn into a... yup a girly bar.

In my head I can't believe this was happening. O sweet mother, why? Just when I have fully come to terms with my sexuality, just when I have decided to gradually ease into who I really am, just when I had shed all my pretensions about being butch and all, now this. Fuck I need some serious thespian skills. I get dibs for next year's Oscars, this is gonna be some serious performance tonight.

Okay so we got in. I stopped drinking a year ago, healthy lifestyle shit you know. So when it came to turning in our orders...

me: Sorry guys, I don't drink.
guy1: Dude, you have got to order something to drink otherwise they'll kick us out. (I know he was just bluffing of course)
me: Dude seriously I can't drink. I'll have a pineapple juice.

So I got myself a pj, in a girly bar. That's right, I would have ordered warm milk if I wasn't too embarassed already.

The guys were already ogling the beautiful girls, I pretended to look around, but nothing, no fireworks down south, nada.

So far so good, I could just sit here, take a sip of my lovely companion pj every now and then and everything will be alright. Until they decided to ask girls to sit with us. Man, my throat just dried up, seriously. I couldn't have downed my pj any faster.

They got me Anne. Shit, another pineapple juice please!

It was a little nerve-wracking, but after a few small talks, it became almost bearable. She's nice. I now get why guys love frequenting places like these. The girls make you feel like a man, like THE man. I felt like THE man. They boost your bruised ego, enchant you with their longing gazes, stir the confidence in you with their sultry laughter. Every word you say is genius, every line you whip out is an original. You are Casanova. You are.

When it was time to go, I was reluctant to leave my woman, my Anne. I am after all her Casanova. Man it feels so good! So this is how men feel like, no wonder some guys get hooked with the instant testosterone spike in their system. It just feels so damn good!

And oh yeah, I kissed a girl and I liked it. She gave me a kiss goodbye, I gave her a french.

By the end of that short lived guy's night out, I've had 4 pineapple juice. I think I'm getting an ulcer.

Reality Bites

The uncertainty of the future is quite a daunting prospect. Specially for someone like myself who's starting later in life.

You see, I've battled clinical depression for quite a number of years. The pain from my confusion of who I am, self-loathing, and family issues finally culminated into this one big ball of negative energy that plunged me deep into the dark corners of my personal abyss.

I just wanted to give up so badly.

I just wanted everything to end.

I wanted something to cling on to.

Those were the darkest periods of my life. Looking back, I couldn't fathom how I could have survived all those years in that state of mind. It was sad really.

For a long time, I spent myself locked up in my room. Meals were delivered to my room, but I have no appetite for them. My room was a pig sty. I spend my days in fantastic worlds of my own creation under the somber embrace of slumber.

From there, the road to recovery was rocky. I was like an infant learning how to walk on shaky grounds.

The concept of a future does not exist for me. I was a being of the moment, everything boring is bad. I seek the company of the fickle and the temporary. I was going nowhere.

The days, months, years seem to merge in one continuous blur of vagueness.

I am in a much better place now. I am standing on the verge of my life. I am to brave the path to my destiny. I have to be brave. I now understand that I have to do it on my own.

I've always believed that when I met him, I helped him mend his wings, and he tore mine apart.
But closer introspection reveals quite an enlightening epiphany. I needed the pain. I needed to be shocked into the realities of life. I needed to feel the pain and not to run away from it. I needed to remember, to not forget. To take life for what it is, warts and all. I needed to wake up. He needed to tear my wings apart so I could grow sturdier ones.

Thank you baby. For all the pain and all the joy.

Thank you for waking me up from my sleep, it was long overdue anyway. I know how cheesy this might sound, but you woke me up with a kiss. Damn I'm so childish, I know I know, that sounded like sleeping beauty hahaha!

I love you baby.

p.s. I understand that my posts can be conflicting sometimes. Sometimes I love him sometimes I hate him. Please bear with me, I'm cycling through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance in no particular order.

Kaya to! go go go!! :)

- -

I kinda felt off-centered today.

The ex texted early in the am. He's due to leave for some international business trips, and he knows that I'm sort of in a slump right now. I mean, slap in the face much? Yeah you're going places boy, and you don't need to rub it in.

I just don't get that twisted mind of his.

I might sound bitter, but I put my life on hold for him. He doesn't want me doing things on my own. He wants us to do things together. Everything.

So I shaped my life around us, dreaming up of things we could do together as a couple. Growing up together, experiencing new things together, seeing the world through shared eyes.

But then opportunity knocked. Now he doesn't want shared eyes, he wants his own panoramic view of the world.

So he broke it off.

That sucks.

For me.

The only consolation I got right now is that I loved unconditionally. No questions asked. I loved as love should be.

Man I'm getting tired of these posts. I want to get over all of this shit.

Next month I go back to living with him. We sort of been renting a place together. Contract doesn't end till middle of the year. Sayang naman binabayad ko noh! Oh well that would be my true test if I am indeed over him. I know in my heart of hearts that I am. It's just that he could be a total prick all the time, every time.

Nasira tuloy diet ko, hmp!

Ciao!

Strangers

Sabi nila strangers are friends we haven’t met yet.

I just met one.

Met him on my jogging routine. A lone tourist from Singapore. Turns out he’s a runner. Healthy lifestyle shit you know, alcohol makes him feel strange. Sabi nga nya iba daw feeling ng nakainom, nag pa pound puso nya eh hindi naman sya tumatakbo and he finds that very strange. I guess that’s how it feels when running’s a part of your life, tipong you get to have a new sense of normal than everyone else (everyone meaning the atherosclerosis-prone demographic hehe)

He asked me if I was doing anything the rest of the day, told him I could show him around.

So I played the tourist guide role the past two days. It was exhausting! Jog in the early am, diretsong pasyal (after a quick shower of course), tapos since he’s also very much into music (hard core guitar player), the tourist guide role extended well into the night in search for the perfect band (it sucks when bands don’t know a lot of songs you request).

One thing I realized, I better keep my day job, hahaha! I mean there are certain points in the day when I just get so exhausted that my mind goes blank and I run out of things to say (minsan din kasi you have to be aware that everything that comes out your lips creates a picture of how we are as a people and as a country, tsaka dapat may mga cultural at historical relevance din ang conversations nyo). Awkward moments I know. Plus nakakapagod mag ingles ha! hahahaha! I mean iba kasi pag di mo first language, you have to listen to hear kahit na marunong ka namang mag ingles. E pag tagalog kahit mabilis yan, kahit anong accent yan from the 7,107 islands of Pinas, o kahit paano man ang pagkakasabi e maiintindihan mo. Yung lasing nga dyan sa kanto kaya mo pang intindihin, pero kapag nagsimula ng mag ingles ang mga Scots, brace yourself for major hemorrhage.

All in all it was an enjoyable experience. I want to meet more strangers!

It also left quite an impression on me, I mean here's this Singaporean dude on a visit to the 3rd world, who trusted a total stranger to show him around a strange city. Buti na lang mabait ako! hahaha. Just shows to prove that people still believe in the innate goodness of others, and with his faith in human kindness, I gained a friend.

As I saw him off his way to Singapura, land of laksa and bah kut teh, a rather interesting thought came to mind (Mr. Gump, let me tweak your line a bit) "Strangers are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

Well now I want to get me a creamy one, a creamy Belgian chocolate that is.

Closet Case

Nope this is not a coming out post.

I am officially an... APARADOR... You heard it right, kabinet na ko.

As I was dressing up for the usual jogging routine, napatingin ako sa salamin ng closet, e full body mirror yun, ang katawan ko halos lumapat sa frame ng salamin. I am a walking upright rectangle.

Hayun. Hayaan mo na, temporary lang yan, naisip isip ko ng may halong kaba. E pano kung hindi? waaaaa!!!

Hindi yan.

Medyo struggle pa rin ang jog ko, pero at least naka isang round ako ng diretsong jog at hindi lakad. Yay for me! Baby steps to, ayos lang I have 21 days to get back in shape before I hit the metro. So may countdown na ko sa cellphone ko, every day nag set ako ng memo to remind me not to slack off, na I only have 21 days to shape up or ship out. Kaya ko to!

My first run was my most recent, 10k run yun tsong! ako ha, nag 10k. Ako rin di ako makapaniwala. Pero dahil sa panguudyok ng kaibigan napilitan ako. Ayoko ng maulit yun! NAKAKAHIYA!! Hinintay akong matapos, ako pinakahuli, may entourage na kong sweepers (sila ung mga nakamotor na nag swesweep ng runners to ensure na lahat e nakatapos, sorry wala akong maisip na better term sa sweep, walis? hahaha!) Pati yung mga sweepers e nabuburyong na sa bagal ko, pahinto hinto pa ko to catch my breath! waaaa talaga! Di bale pagdating ko sa finish line para akong celebrity di ba, may mga alalay pa! hahaha! (hindi rin nakakahiya lang talaga!!!!)

So my goal this year is to run a 5k and finish among the first half of the runners. Ayan realistic goal yan. Yan ang aking redemption sa aking kahihiyan.

Kelangan may inspiration ka to lose weight. Dapat may rason. A genuine motivation to change should come from within you, and you need to have focus to follow through. Wag mong kakalimutan why you're doing what you're doing. So to remind myself, here's a rundown of why I want to lose weight.

1. I'm really doing this primarily to get stronger. Mahina katawan ko e. I'm doing this for my health. Tsaka di ba dapat strong body, mind, and heart? Yan ang stina strive ko ngayon. I want to live a good life.

2. When I started to gain weight (again!) Ayoko ng manamit, I mean ayoko ng magayos. Kung pwede lang sweatpants and sweatshirts na lang the whole time. Yes kahit kasal pa yan ni Prince William, kumportable ako dito eh hahaha! (sus if I know you just don't want your lumps and bumps to show, pano ba naman kasi ang hilig mo sa semi-fit na shirt and pants noh!)

3. I want to feel attractive again. Oo gusto ko may nagkakacrush uli sa kin, di na ko kinikilig ngayon e hahaha. Tsaka miss ko na may napapa dodouble take sa kin (Haaay feeling ka na naman dyan, paano ba naman kung makatitig ka syempre mapapadouble take yung tao, katakot kaya itsura mo pag tumitig ka creepy! hahaha!)

4. Mobility. Ang hirap gumalaw, ang dali mong mairita at mapagod. Sabi ko nga dati di ba I want to move with grace and serenity like a butterfly fluttering from rose to rose? (butterfly ka dyan, more like bottle fly hahaha!)

and lastly...

I want to sway my hips like I'm the devil's mistress. Yun lang pow!

Unbreakable

Don't break my heart I told him.

I wont. He sounded sincere.

I believed him.


" To love... is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless,- airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

- C.S. Lewis


Thank you baby, my heart's no longer unbreakable.

Tama na nga 'to, pansin ko puro emo posts na.

I better stop ruminating on grief. Di na sya nakakatuwa.

Smile na nga. Hmp. Sige na nga.

:)