ramblings

I hate getting off-centered, ung irita lang ang feeling, when things seem to follow a really nasty streak of bad luck. Haaay.

I want to get fit this year. I vow to have the discipline to work out and diet.

I seriously need a new gym buddy, my current on and off gym buddy is more like my binge eating buddy.

I don't believe life lies in a continuum, mas feel ko ung parang per chapter sya. I'm entering a new chapter of my life, I'm excited.

I just recently realized that I have trouble letting go and embracing change. It's a painful process for me.

I'd rather have anger issues than be apathetic. I'd like to think I'm just passionate about my feelings, no anger issues here, just saying.

I want to start fresh, I want to move out of the country. Sometimes the people around you keeps you from moving forward.

Life is good. You just have to learn to work hard to make it so.

Everything has a price. You need to be willing to pay the price for what you want. There's no such thing as a free pass baby.

Life's a mind game.

I am deus, hear me roar. :)

Whew, glad to get that out. I'm feeling much better now. :)

No He's Not

So how do you come out to your parents? to your family? do you blurt it out while watching a telenovela and hope that the discussion about it stops as soon as the commercial is over? do you go out for coffee and have a heart to heart talk with them? do you send them a supposedly wrong sent message confirming your identity? It's tricky.

Lately i've been wanting more and more to share who i am with my family. I want them to love me and know me for who i am. I want them to be part of my life. It takes so much energy to lie. I love my family and i want to live this one life without any pretenses specially with them.

One of the reasons why my desire to come out is stronger is because i want to settle down. I want to be with the one i love and live my life as a normal adult, being gay is inconsequential, i just want to live my life openly as a normal human adult without any prejudice. I want to work, come home to my partner, invest, spend, laugh, plan, dream, cry, and start a family. All that would be difficult if you don't have a solid support system like your family, who will anchor you to your commitment and make you realize that spending your one life with your one partner, one soulmate is possible. I want my family to be part of my journey, I want me to be part of theirs.

I've been tentative as to how and when i will come out, i'm still not quite certain. However, i have been more relaxed when i'm with them, guards down. So much so that my mom has always been asking me for my alter-ego, kung ano daw ba talaga pagkatao ko. It's funny, i know she knows, and she hints that she knows, but i know that she doesn't want it to be so. Denial is such a powerful force, it makes you blind to what is in front of you, makes you grasp at whatever indication that your suspicions are false, no matter how tenuous it might be.

Before, everytime my mom asks me about my orientation, i would simply answer her humorously. "Ikaw talaga ma!", "Ano bang tanong yan ma!", "kung anu-ano naiisip mo ma!", followed by a hearty laugh. Never confirming nor denying, but always making me feel all guilty inside.

Recently when she asked me this, she was on the bed, i was in front of the mirror, spending way too much time on the mirror, then she asked me, "nagdududa na talaga ako sa yo, ano ka ba talaga?" with a teasing smile on her face, i just looked at her, lay beside her in bed, my face turned against her, and whispered, "kaw talaga ma..." no laughs.

What prompted me to write this post is what happened with my dad earlier. My dad never questioned nor hinted his suspicions at me, although my mom did reveal to me when i was younger that he did wonder about my masculinity, but that was just once, that i know of.

Earlier in the day, i shared an amusing story about how an old friend of mine, who's now living in the states, is looking for me through a common friend. Our common friend told me that she was in love with me and would seriously come home to the Philippines in a heartbeat to marry me. To me it was cute in a way, yet funny at the same time since we've never really been together and i just found it a bit peculiar, so out of the blue.

Me: dad lam mo may friend ako sa states, uuwi daw ng Pinas para lang pakasalan ako.

Dad: babae?

A Freudian slip.

My world slowed down a bit, but i quickly resumed my tempo to hide my surprise.

Me: oo, citizen na nga ata yun dun eh, hehehe.

So there, i thought to myself? pano kung sinabi ko lalake? I stopped myself thinking, that incident just made me realize that no matter how hard i try to be butch and guyish, they can see right through me. They know me, I'm their child.

My mom revealed to me once that she asked some of her gay friends to test their gaydars on me. Their answer, "no he's not." My mom was elated. I was crushed. What my mom is playing is such a delicate balancing act, on the one hand knowing who i am, on the other, denying.

I dream of the day when my mom would tell her friends, "Yes he is." beaming with pride. But i understand that i still have a long way to go. Baby steps deus, baby steps.

mush

Okay, so I've been really busy lately hence the lack of posts. Had a really interesting summer, a lot of things happened, things that are definitely seared into my long term memory, summer of 2011 you rock! It's not exactly all fun and games, I went through some really tough times this month but the upside to it is that it made me all grown up, made me look at the world sans the rose colored glasses, i saw the world for what it really is and i'm now ready for it.

We only have one life to live, that I understand now. There are times when we feel like mortality is but a distant folklore, and we try to live an epicurean lifestyle, what is pleasurable is good, what is boring is bad. However, there is also pleasure in sadness, in reality, in truth. We live in an age where the myth of happiness is everybody's life goal, but the truth is you don't need to be constantly smiling and easy going to be happy. Sometimes powering through the challenges specific to your fate, to your circumstance, to your life is enough of a satisfaction. There is a profound sense of confidence when you understand that your life is yours to live and that every flaw in it is yours and yours alone and that's what makes each of our lives unique.

Try talking to any stranger on the street and you'll find that each one of them has a story to tell, each one as diverse and as interesting as the next if not more. Filipino tv makes a killing out of these stories, and these stories serve as a reminder that we don't need to conform, what makes us different is what makes us interesting.

I am interesting, that I understand now. For a long time, I wanted the life of other people I know, life that seems so charmed, so perfect, but then again that assumption is ignorant. For no one is immune to the tragedies that makes life all the more worth it. I am more comfortable with myself now, I am who I am. This is my life and I'm going to seize it as my own. I am in the zone. I am in my zone.

Mush, that's how my brain feels like right now for everything that i've been through this month. I'm taking a short break from it all, regain my bearing, and live every second of my life as my own.

Hollow Block

I took a friend out today. She's been down on her luck lately and I thought I' d cheer her up.

She's supposed to be due for New Zealand, but the recent catastrophic earthquake that shook this little Maori nation proved to be the cause of delay for her departure. I remember how she'd often talk about going bungee jumping once she gets there, and how giddy and excited she'd get when she talks about it, she even gets this sparkle in her eyes when she daydreams about it.

So I thought I'd give her a taste of how it feels like to plummet towards the ground face down. We went rappelling. It was a 60-foot free fall drop that literally turned my knees into jello.

It was fun. They say that courage can be acquired through habit, well this exercise would definitely turn one's pusong mamon into steel.

Throughout the duration of the day, we've been talking about anything and everything just as friends do. However I suddenly sensed a certain kind of heaviness, I can't really explain what really, but just heavy. Mabigat sa ulo, sa utak, sa vibe, ewan ko basta mabigat. I don't know if it's just me or whatever but I certainly sensed this 'feel' distinctly.

We've been friends for almost 3 years now, met her through nursing school. She's been through a lot in her life, from her adolescence years, domestic issues, everything just seems to be hard for her. Even the person processing her papers was baffled as to why everything wrong that could happen, happened to her, talk about Murphy's law in action.

Trying to dissect what happened earlier made me realize that because I'm now going in a more positive and optimistic state of mind makes me more sensitive to this kind of 'heavy' vibe. I'm not saying she's negative or anything, but things sure seem to fall out of place with her plans. Maybe because of everything she had to go through in life, an unconscious part of her expects things to go awry or difficult most of the time. Thoughts are things, and although she's a fighter trying to power her way through each and every obstacle in her life, things just don't seem to get any easier for her. Maybe the problem lies with her subconscious.

We need some major reprogramming to do. A psychobabble here, a little motivational talk there, a little humor on the side, anything just to rewire her thoughts. She's a very positive person so I'm not really sure where all this is coming from, maybe it's some deep unresolved issues with her past that she didn't quite come to terms with yet, I'm not really sure. All I know is that nakakahawa ang bigat. Pagkauwi ko parang pagod na pagod ako, I felt so drained.

Haay, positive thoughts, happy thoughts! smile smile smile!!!! :)

Habulan

As I have written before, my first run was an epic fail. I'm not trying to make excuses but I was totally unprepared for it. It was a 10k run and at that time I haven't been physically active for a while, never trained for it, been drinking heavily, and I was emotionally distressed. I vowed that it will never happen again.

I set myself a goal for this year, as an act of vindication from my mortifying ordeal at that first attempt at running, I would run a 5k this year and finish among the first half of the runners.

I gave myself 21 days to prepare. My practice jogs were incrementally improving as the days went on, but I still know that it wasn't enough, it was always a struggle. I told myself, baby steps deus, baby steps.

Today against all odds... I did it. I finished among the first half of the runners. :)

One of my goals for the year has been ticked. I never could have expected it.

I can't stop smiling. :)

That's all, gotta run!

C2H5OH

Before our final break up, we've broken up 2 years ago for around 3 months.

Hence, the birth of this blog.

I was so down. I didn't know how to begin living without him. I lost myself in him.

I started going out and drinking heavily. I never cared about the hapless neurons I was about to commit genocide on. I just wanted to forget.

Then I met him, I'll call him number 4, 4 for short. Number 4 because I consider him my 4th angel. More about the 3 angels in later posts.

I met him at a seminar. He was really masculine, butch. I was at that time looking like a sad little orphan boy, with sad little orphan eyes, unkempt hair, unflattering clothes, slumped posture. Mukha talaga akong kawawa.

Then I noticed, that everyday he'd keep taking the seats near me, keep engaging me in short talks, and keep inviting me out after the day is done. I never really cared, I was like a zombie, I was just going through the motions of life.

After a while, I relented. He took me jogging. Extreme health buff eh. It was nice, and we had a lovely breakfast afterwards. It turns out that he'd seen me years earlier at my former gym, told me he kinda took a fancy at me back then but I just seemed so absorbed in my own world that he didn't even bother.

So I kinda took a liking to him. He was a nice guy. There was just no spark though. I still loved my ex, and number 4 was there to save me from drowning in my misery, he talked me into feeling good again.

He took me for my first run. It was a 10k run. I've written about it earlier, and I sort of didn't reveal the whole truth back then, I am indeed the last, there were sweepers behind me, but with me was number 4 as well, cheering me on. I am the last runner behind but technically I'm the 2nd to the last. Right as we were nearing the finish line, number 4 slowed down, gave me a few meters of leeway and allowed me to finish before him. Technically he got the last place. Imagine, athletic na athletic, ang lakas lakas niyang tignan, he could have finished among the top 10 pero... hehe sweet.

I was seriously considering a relationship with him, he knew I just came from a bad break-up. I was hesitant to jump into another relationship without the passion I had with my ex.

Then new year's came. The ex called. I can't help but feel a slew of strong emotions stirring in me. I was excited, happy, sad, angry, all at the same time. But the overwhelming emotion I felt was love. I forgave him. I was happy we were back together again.

Having to talk to number 4 about the recent turn of events was quite heartbreaking for me. I didn't want to let him go. I didn't want to be one of the many guys that broke his heart. It was a very sad day for me. I didn't want to be unfair to the both of them. I loved my ex more, he was my soul mate, my forever.

Tomorrow I run, this time a 5k. I can't help but remember my first, it was with him, he introduced me to the sport. It's the reason why I eventually quit drinking and started on the path to wellness.

We totally lost contact after that. Never heard from him since.

Tomorrow I run with a multitude of health enthusiasts, of amateur runners like myself, of families trying to bond over a shared epinephrine rush, of office mates and friends wanting to see who could run the fastest, and maybe with a special friend who helped me stand up when I lost my will to live.

Thank you number 4. No more alcohol, I promise.

Him

Every time I achieve something noteworthy in my opinion and in my own humble measure, my ex always does it better a hundredfold. Sometimes it could get really irritating, no matter how hard I try, I just couldn't be better. But on a positive note, it does keep me grounded and humble specially since sometimes I do have a tendency to gloat at the minutest hint that I may have surpassed him even at the most trivial thing like dactyl. However no matter how hard I try he is the undisputed tap tap master.

I know he sometimes lets me bask in my victory for a nanosecond, but after a while he shows me who's boss. Reminiscing what we had always brings a smile to my face. He is my idol, I look up to him even if he's younger than I am. He is the man I've always envisioned myself to be. A little attitude problem here and there but hey you can't have it all can you?

So when I chanced upon the song Daydreamer by Adele I can't help but think of him. I can't help but realize that I was lucky enough to have him for 4 years, can't help but be grateful that we have grown together in what seems to me to be a lifetime.

Daydreamer
Adele

Daydreamer,
sitting on the seat,
soaking up the sun, (he's always had that chill vibe in him)
he is a real lover, ( a really good one at that hands down)
making up the past and (galing niyang bumawi)
feeling up his girl like he's never felt her figure before (he always makes me feel like I'm the most good looking guy in the room, and yeah he always feels me up like he's feeling me up for the first time)

A jaw dropper, (he's hot, artistahin)
looks good when he walks, (he's got that model walk down, did some modeling stints before)
is the subject of their talk (always the crush ng bayan)
he would be hard to chase, (he is hard to chase, may pagkasuplado)
but good to catch (he is a good catch)
and he could change the world with his hands behind his back, oh (yes he can, parang walang effort sa kanya mga ginagawa nya)

you can find him
sitting on your doorstep,
waiting for a surprise (he loves surprising me with the best gifts and the most thoughtful gestures, he loves surprises as well, too bad he's much better at it than I am at giving it)
and he will feel like
hes been there for hours (he's really very patient)
and you can tell that he'll be there for life (I can tell, it just didn't work out)

Daydreamer,
with eyes that make you melt, (nangugusap mga mata nya, he can also puppy eye on cue)
he lends his coat for shelter (very sweet, minsan nakakailang)
plus he's there for you when he shouldn't be, (minsan nakakainis, but in the end sobrang naapreciate ko.)
but he stays all the same, (yes he does, kahit war kami)
waits for you then sees you through (yes, he's always waiting for me and sees me through everything)

there's no way I could describe him
what I'll say is just what I'm hoping for

But I will find him ,
sitting on my doorstep,
waiting for a surprise
and he will feel like he's been there for hours
and I can tell that he'll be there for life.
And I can tell that he'll be there for life.



Nung napakinggan ko to, I can't help but have tears streaming down my face. Nakailang beses ko ng napakinggan to pero ganun pa rin. Naisip ko nga kung may tambalan kami ni Judy Ann, kayang kaya kong makipagsabayan sa pag-iyak as long as this song is playing in the background.

Love you baby.