sulat

Dear Lord,

I'm tired. I remember telling my friend recently that I'm not afraid to die, feeling a bit brave for having felt that way.  I was surprised when he remarked, because you're afraid of living. I was taken aback, I never thought of it that way, and I think he is right.

Lord, I know I'm not supposed to cling on to reasons of why I am the way I am right now. I should just move on and make a life with what I have.  But it's hard Lord, I don't think I can.  And I'm lost too, I thought that I've found myself but I feel like I've just twisted myself so much to believe that I have found myself.

Lord, I can't even write half a decent letter to you cause I'm just so tired.

I need a deus ex machina Lord...

Please...

Kimchi!

I love korean men. so hot. ewan ko ba they just exude this gentle energy na would go wildy masculine in the bedroom. They all look so hot. Lean and tall. Great posture. Hot. Want to migrate to south korea now na. dami ko gusto sabihin about korean guys pero sabaw na utak ko, refer na lang to previous post why. hayun.

sabaw!

sabaw na ang utak ko. hahaha! di na nagfufunction ewan ko ba. I just read a few weeks ago that difficult math challenges can actually trigger physical symptoms just like pain would. Natuwa lang ako... actually kasi naman, I'm in a situation right now where I have to do a ton of math things, physics and all that stuff. Ewan ko ba ano nakain ko at naisipan kong gawin to, I remember clearly after coming out of high school deciding na never would I do anything math related! Kaya nga gusto ko sa communications e, kasi i feel that my mind is wired to just blab and blab about everything and nothing.  Ngayon lagi na sumasakit batok ko! kastress!

Sabaw. hahaha. I never felt so stupid in my life. Ganito pala feeling. I feel so helpless. Ewan ko kasi siguro stressed ako dami kasi iniisip kaya di makapagfocus at di maintindihan mga simpleng bagay. Gusto ko na umuwi! I need to raise my IQ points by thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much! i work better when i'm relaxed. sabi nila you have to push yourself beyond your comfort zone, haynaku that's why it's called comfort zone kasi comfortable dun and i'd rather stay there. hahahahaha! pero ok lang i feel like i've grown thiiis much. hahaha! tawa ako ng tawa. nababaliw na ko seriously.

I want to go home!!!!!

swim or sink

I'm a starry eyed dreamer.  My thoughts linger in the world of possibilities. Of sometimes, unrealities. I don't know, call me a retard but even when I was back in high school I thought that magic lamps exist, and that genies can grant me three wishes, so I've always had my list just in case that happens.  I know that genies won't be taken for a fool so they won't grant me unlimited wishes.  So I came up with something to somehow circumvent that, I had to wish for magical items.
1st wish, a treasure chest that automatically refills with treasure after you empty it.  That takes care of my financial concerns in this world. 
2nd wish, a magic platter with a cover that grants me any food that I can imagine.  Everytime I have a mental picture of food in my head, I just have to lift the lid and there you go! I just love my food, I know that I can buy it with treasure from wish number 1  but hey, sometimes you just crave for a midnight snack and you want your food right there and then right?
3rd wish,  a magic full size mirror that would let me see anything I want in this world and somehow become a teleportation device if I wish to go where I want to go.  Nifty tool for voyeurism too!! hahahaha!

It's all fun and all as a younger person, having your creative imagination amuse you and make you believe that everything is possible, however as you start to leave the confines of youth and start to face the realities of life, it makes you wonder... is life really this challenging?

Maybe I just wasn't used to anything really hard.  Maybe I'm so out of touch with the real world having to deal with clinical depression and other issues that I just didn't have the opportunity to explore what the real world is... It's challenging... I'm having a hard time.... As I type this post I just want to bawl out crying as I'm having a helluva hard time just surviving in another country, and the thought of going back home next year makes me realize that I don't know what to do with my life... I'm like a child with no lifesaver tossed out into the harsh seas... I'm surviving yes but barely...  I don't know what the future holds for me.  I try to often keep a positive optimistic attitude about everything but then I get back to thinking, is this all wishful thinking? Am I just being a kid who used to believe in magic lamps? 

I'm scared....

My spirit wants to pursue life with passion, but reality weighs me down to what I have to face...

But despite everything I have a strong feeling that I will be doing something I love.  Making an impact on this world, speaking my mind... Am I crazy?  Am I just believing in magic lamps all over again?

I'm a dreamer... I dream... I believe... I survive... kasira ng moment kasi tagline sa starstruck hahahaha! pero akma kasi sa sitwasyon ko e...

I can do this...  I don't have to be scared, I just have to learn how to swim.

.....

Wala ako maisip na title.  Basta alam ko ang gaan ng feeling ko ngayon, hehehe. Nung nagout na ko sa parents ko feeling ko lahat ng baggage ko bigla nawala.  Siguro subconsciously sila lang talaga ang nagmamatter sa akin na makaalam kung sino ako.  Wala lang, ung acceptance kasi nila somehow validates my presence in this world, syempre sila gumawa sa akin, hehehe gusto ko tanggap nila ako.  I feel whole now.  Lahat ng mga real or imagined na mga issues ko all dissipated into thin air.  Parang ngayon I can start living my life.  Ala lang so happy. :)  I got my groove back I think.. hmm.. not really... but I'm getting there.

:)

Coming Out Down Under

It took me a while...

a long while...

To finally have the courage to come out to my family.

I don't think it was really courage though.

It was more of a feeling of being tired.  Of being tired hiding who I am.

Being in another country by yourself just puts so much pressure on you.

The stress, the homesickness, the lack of intimacy, the lack of familiarity all contributes to a feeling of helplessness... compounded by having to fight it off with a suit of armor to disguise who you really are. Ambigat kaya ng suit of metal armor noh!  Di ka makalaban ng todo, but really hiding who you are weighs you down.  It takes so much energy to lie...

So I first came out to my two sisters... It wasn't much of a surprise to them since medyo malamya talaga ako pag minsan.  I came out because I want to live  my life, my one life. MY life. I found a partner and he gave me the courage to come out, because I want him to be a part of my life, my family.

It was a relief having my sisters know about it.   However as months went on, bumalik na naman yung feeling na nahihirapan ka just because you can't be yourself.

Pag pagod ka kasi physically, mentally, emotionally, all the negative thoughts hiding between the smallest nook and every crevice in your head just all come bubbling up to the surface... it's overwhelming.  I didn't know who to turn to... I didn't know what to do....

So I called my mom.

I was at the end of my rope... I wanted to give up... to just lie in my bed hoping for time to stop.

I asked my mom... "Ma mahal mo ba ako kahit anong mangyari? kahit ano talaga mangyari?"

She replied with a hint of nervousness in her voice... "Ano ba yun anak?  Iladlad mo na kasi yan..."

Suddenly listening at her words, I felt this wasn't going to be as hard as I thought it would be... I had a faint smile on my lips when I said... "Ma...."

She then replied with... "Ano ba yun anak, ready ka na ba magkagirlfriend or boyfriend?"

She didn't know I've already had some relationships in my past.

"Ma, alam mo na yun"

And so there we talked about it, how she always have suspected it, and how she just wanted it to come from me.  She told me she loved me, that I'm her child and she would always love me.

Haaaay...

and then she told my dad.

made it easier for me.

My dad also accepted it.  He was open minded enough to know that I am who I am.  I am still their child and they love me.

Haaaay uli.....

hayun.

ewan ko ba.

Mixed emotions.

tuliro din kasi ako.

Hirap pag asa ibang bansa ka.

Ako pang walang experience makapagtrabaho. Tapos dito lahat na ng hirap pinagdaanan ko kaloka lang.

Anyway something good came out of it.  I grew up.  I came out. Down under.