No He's Not

So how do you come out to your parents? to your family? do you blurt it out while watching a telenovela and hope that the discussion about it stops as soon as the commercial is over? do you go out for coffee and have a heart to heart talk with them? do you send them a supposedly wrong sent message confirming your identity? It's tricky.

Lately i've been wanting more and more to share who i am with my family. I want them to love me and know me for who i am. I want them to be part of my life. It takes so much energy to lie. I love my family and i want to live this one life without any pretenses specially with them.

One of the reasons why my desire to come out is stronger is because i want to settle down. I want to be with the one i love and live my life as a normal adult, being gay is inconsequential, i just want to live my life openly as a normal human adult without any prejudice. I want to work, come home to my partner, invest, spend, laugh, plan, dream, cry, and start a family. All that would be difficult if you don't have a solid support system like your family, who will anchor you to your commitment and make you realize that spending your one life with your one partner, one soulmate is possible. I want my family to be part of my journey, I want me to be part of theirs.

I've been tentative as to how and when i will come out, i'm still not quite certain. However, i have been more relaxed when i'm with them, guards down. So much so that my mom has always been asking me for my alter-ego, kung ano daw ba talaga pagkatao ko. It's funny, i know she knows, and she hints that she knows, but i know that she doesn't want it to be so. Denial is such a powerful force, it makes you blind to what is in front of you, makes you grasp at whatever indication that your suspicions are false, no matter how tenuous it might be.

Before, everytime my mom asks me about my orientation, i would simply answer her humorously. "Ikaw talaga ma!", "Ano bang tanong yan ma!", "kung anu-ano naiisip mo ma!", followed by a hearty laugh. Never confirming nor denying, but always making me feel all guilty inside.

Recently when she asked me this, she was on the bed, i was in front of the mirror, spending way too much time on the mirror, then she asked me, "nagdududa na talaga ako sa yo, ano ka ba talaga?" with a teasing smile on her face, i just looked at her, lay beside her in bed, my face turned against her, and whispered, "kaw talaga ma..." no laughs.

What prompted me to write this post is what happened with my dad earlier. My dad never questioned nor hinted his suspicions at me, although my mom did reveal to me when i was younger that he did wonder about my masculinity, but that was just once, that i know of.

Earlier in the day, i shared an amusing story about how an old friend of mine, who's now living in the states, is looking for me through a common friend. Our common friend told me that she was in love with me and would seriously come home to the Philippines in a heartbeat to marry me. To me it was cute in a way, yet funny at the same time since we've never really been together and i just found it a bit peculiar, so out of the blue.

Me: dad lam mo may friend ako sa states, uuwi daw ng Pinas para lang pakasalan ako.

Dad: babae?

A Freudian slip.

My world slowed down a bit, but i quickly resumed my tempo to hide my surprise.

Me: oo, citizen na nga ata yun dun eh, hehehe.

So there, i thought to myself? pano kung sinabi ko lalake? I stopped myself thinking, that incident just made me realize that no matter how hard i try to be butch and guyish, they can see right through me. They know me, I'm their child.

My mom revealed to me once that she asked some of her gay friends to test their gaydars on me. Their answer, "no he's not." My mom was elated. I was crushed. What my mom is playing is such a delicate balancing act, on the one hand knowing who i am, on the other, denying.

I dream of the day when my mom would tell her friends, "Yes he is." beaming with pride. But i understand that i still have a long way to go. Baby steps deus, baby steps.