rebound depression

feeling sad.. anxious, afraid.. The board exams are 3 days to go and as if all my past doubts about myself all came bubbling up to the surface, it was insidious unti unti tapos BAM hayan na heto na i feel all uncertain about my capabilities, felt like i haven't prepared enough, i feel i haven't given my all for this exam.. Just want to die.. Haay pag bumagsak ako sana kunin na ko ni Lord tapos mahanap ng family ko ung papel na pinagsulatan ko ng blog address at password ko para mabasa nila.. Sobra gusto ko nang mamatay!! waaa!!

anxiety makes the brain go fonder

haay what a day! una oddly enough, di ako kinakabahan (oops tama ba un?) sa exam, in stark contrast to the past week na sobrang grabeng kabado ako tipong di nako makatulog, napapanaginipan ko nag qq&a ako, pero the good thing about that is nakapagaral ako at natuto. hehe.

Okay for the day syempre review review, ayos naman went okay. Was feeling good about myself, i guess it's just one of those days when you feel you're attractive. haha. basta sarap ng feeling ko ngayon.

After the review, went out for dinner tapos accompanied my sisters to buy stuff, went to sm, bought my paraphernalia, met a staff at our college paper, had small talk with a guy who was buying his paraphernalia who like me didn't really know what to get. (Kakatuwa nga e kasi tanong nya agad, take ka din ng board?) haha. tapos bought some products (Love my new products sana super effective! mwah!)

Grabe kapagod, in a good way. Mom's coming home tonight. We'll be going to The Lady of Manaoag in the early am tomorrow. Haay talaga what a day!! kelangan na magreview. Kaya ko to LABAN lang haha. Mwah!!!!

pick me upper

Haay what a day! Grabe feeling super anxious na about the upcoming board exam. Kain na ko ng kain, nag gigym na nga ko tapos fit and right pa ng fit and right pero hayan todo kain pa rin, emotional eater kasi ako e, sana lang di ako nadagdagan nag lose pa ko ng 2 kg. (70 kg ako ngayon e ideal weight ko 55 lang haha)

Saw my favorite chinese teacher and tutor. Kakatuwa rusty na chinese ko pero i managed to carry a conversation with her. i just love her, ambait bait nya kasi not the typical chinese. She looks better now than before, at age 65 blooming sya ha! Haay lao sh, xie xie nin, for somehow lifting my spirit today. Iba kasi when you see people from your past specially people who touched your life in a good way. Makes me realize that every people you meet in your life holds a piece of you, a piece of you that makes you who you are. I love life.

Kaya nga lang nung tinanong nya ko what's up with me grabe kakahiya hehe. 10 years na since grumaduate ako high school la pa ko work. Haay, di bale ano yan reality bite ko. It makes me aware of what's going on with me.

Board exam here i come. Kaya ko yan! laban lang ng laban!!!!!!!

kuwentong taxi driver

Haay!! what a day! Had a really full day ngayon. Una syempre due to yesterday's result of having a good day due to eating breakfast, i asked my mom to make me some today. So hayun breakfast uli tapos punta review. Bale the review started slow, i wasn't very impressed by the instructor, all the time he was talking i was already contemplating of whether i'd be skipping class for half a day and go to the gym. Pero eventually grabe kakatuwa sya ang galeng galeng!!!! He reminds me of my aunt. hehe. After lunch, went back to review may nasakyan akong taxi na madaming opinyon yung driver, mostly complaints of how the current administration (with emphasis on the mayor) is doing a really bad job at managing our precious precious city. Anywho, di pala sya taga dito, dayo lang pero three years na sya at nalulungkot sya sa nangyayari dito ampangit pangit na daw. Haay, ganyan talaga ang philippine government mapa lokal man o national.

So hayun kumpleto kong pinasukan ang review ngayon daming natutunan, daming preparation. Pag uwi buti na lang at medyo maaga kami unti napauwi at natuloy akong mag gym. Malapit ko nang makuha yung spinning!! Lumalakas na ko after siguro 3 or 4 sessions kayang kaya ko na yun!

Birthday din pala ni tito ngayon 50 na sya, so sad.. Kasi at this age he's still kinda lost, still looking for his path, still trying to make a mark in this world, in his personal world. =(

Grabe lapit na exam kaya ko to!!! Aja aja!!!!!!!

eat like a king, live the day like a king

Haaay!!! what a day! what a great day! So bale i started the day by having breakfast luto ng mom ko request ko kasi the night before. hehe sarap sarap. Longganisa, sinangag, at hashbrown tapos oatmeal drink. Ganda agad ng simula ng araw tapos taxi na ko, although medyo natagalan kami dahil may ginagawang kalsada, natuwa naman ako at makuwento tong si manong driver andami kong natutunang cultural practices nila na di mo mababasa sa ordinaryong libro. Pagkatapos ang tataas ng scores ko ngayon sa exams, pasado lahat!!! haaay! Meron uli isang taxi driver akong nasakyan binigyan pa ko ng discount para eksakto na lang ibabayad ko. Bakit iba ang epekto ng breakfast ah. Dapat lagi na kong magbreakfast. The whole day di ako masyadong ginutom tapos di ako nanghina, inantok lang after ng lunch. hehe.

Isa pang magandang pagtatapos, may closing ceremony isa namang reviewer, he shared his perceived struggles in life which was inspiring. Di mo aakalaing ganun ang buhay nya because of his good looks (chinese kasi, you know how light skinned people are perceived better, richer ganun). He achieved a lot of things at an early age and the maturity of his words and wisdom was quite unreal, makes me reflect on how i was at around his age, i just got lost i guess. Anyway, things are all looking up now, i'm on my goal to my own success!!

Love you guys! mwah!!!

of fats and boils! yuck! hehe

Haay, what a day! So i started the day great, i'm now liking my instructor. Ang galeng galeng niya pala, i lurve him na! hehe. Dati kasi ayoko sya, sa way of teaching nya, expressions ganun, basta naiirita ako dati tapos parang walang pumapasok sa utak ko. Pero siguro dahil lang yun sa circumstance, dati kasi ang layo ng seat ko (explains a lot, maganda talaga malapit ka sa instructor) tapos syempre my state of mind dati. E since medyo maayos naman na ako, ayos na yung seat ko, kumportable na ko sa mga katabi ko at sa mga peeps around hayun i finally saw the light, i saw how great a teacher he is (but not that great. hehe binawi.) pero he is good.

I'm hating my fatty fat fats. Ang taba taba ko na! hahaha.

Tapos may pigsa uli ako! i hate peanut butter! waaa! di bale i think the upside to this is since i'm going to be on a strict meds regimen (para gumaling agad) i have to take it on an empty stomach, which means three hours after meals, and i can only eat an hour after i take the meds. Masheshed ko naman siguro ung unting excess that way, tulad nung last time. pero seven days un. huhu. di bale kaya natin to. Laban lang!

Love my gym routine na. Lumalakas na ku! haha. Nakakaya ko na medyo ung spinning class. Tapos di na ko madaling mapagod. Haay love gym.

love notes:

you gave meaning to love.

you allowed me to experience a life shared.

you made me whole.

There are times when i contemplate on the phrase, "better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all"

I don't agree, for it was best that i loved, but it would never be lost...

for you are my forever,

my first, until my last breath.

='(

Steak and moments

We went out for steak tonight. All the family was there including some second cousins who also happen to be our neighbors (amma was left at home since she had to tend the store) My uncle recently came into a respectable amount of cash prize from a noon time tv program and he shared his blessings with us, including cash for all of his nieces and nephews. =) haay, it was really a tender and precious moment for me, it's times like these that makes you grateful for having a family. I guess it was our kongkong's way of watching over us, he had always made it a point that the family always gets along well. Ayaw nun ng nagaaway, sobrang mabait lolo ko, ilang beses na din syang umiyak during some of our intimate talks (medyo magulo kasi isip ko nun, tapos i don't get along well with my family, had a lot of pent up rage inside, hmm.. overpronounced adolescent crisis?) Basta i feel so warm inside. Lord thank you po. Sana patnubayan nyo po lahat kami. I love you Lord. I love you Kongkong. Di bale kongkong aalagaan namin si amma, wag kang magalala.

Rules to live by:

7 steps for overcoming ego's hold on you:

1. Stop being offended

2. Let go of your need to win

3. Let go of your need to be right

4. Let go of your need to be superior

5. Let go of your need to have more

6. Let go of identifying yourself on the basis of your achievements

7. Let go of your reputation.
-Wayne W. Dyer, PhD
author and speaker

*Kahit gano man kahirap gawin iba dyan ayos lang, Smile lang, and remember: Good karma! it's true. =)

Medical mission (dog style) hehe

What a day!

I started my day raring to go to review, i woke up extra early, was done prepping 20 minutes early, and went to review right on time. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, classes were suspended ( i wasn't able to catch the news as i was pretty much absent the week before.)

I got home just as my sisters were waking up. We then proceeded to take my aunt's dog to the vet. I never really felt close to their dog but after taking him to the vet and realizing just how sweet and kind he is, grabe love ko na sya! Katabi ko kasi sya sa passenger side sa van. So here's how our medical mission started. So there was the usual assessment, check up, injections, meds, initial diagnosis and stuff. Since our aunt nor our cousin was there, we weren't quite sure how to proceed with his treatment since decisions have to be made. The vet told us that she suspects kidney problem, along with scabies and fungal infection on his front paws which was his initial problem. So we went home, just to be told by our aunt that we should go ahead and do everything necessary for his treatment. So we went back, our 2nd trip to the vet, to carry out his treatments, that's when operation teddy commenced. hehe.

Anywho, after that, we went back to the vet, our 3rd trip, to fetch our dog as we left him behind as we were rushing like an ambulance to carry out operation teddy. So after a few thank you's and good byes, we went home only to find out midway that his nails are bleeding from the earlier nail cutting, we went back, our 4th trip, to have it fixed.

Grabe ha, while in the clinic, natyempuhan namin may isang famiy wanting to have their cocker spaniel sedated, so at first i didn't give it any second thought. But after finding out why, i was a little bit offed. They were having the dog sedated for them to put him in a bag inorder for them to board the bus for a 6-7 hour trip to manila! huwatt!!!! haay, kawawa ung aso. (bawal daw kasi aso sa bus)

So paguwi, pagod na pagod na ku, lumabas pa kami para sa treat ng sis ko. So we went out, ate a late lunch, chatted and laughed over nonsense, like how funny some of our initials are (Sorry Thomas Alva Edison) Pagod na ko sobra, so paguwi rest lang, put my feet up, watched tv and just basically bummed around.

Lam mo kakatuwa, saw an old teacher from grade 1, she was a friend of my aunt's (who owns teddy) she went by the house to meet up with my aunt. When i saw her i just gave her a nod and a smile of familiarity, but my mom with her VERY subtle ways asked me to greet her in chinese (she was my chinese teacher) so i did, and i can't help but be reduced to that grade 1 student again. hehe nakakatuwa ang feeling. Ay labs et!!!

Sige later uli ha may kekwento ulit ako! mwah mwah mwah!

all soul's day

what a day!

Before anything else, i would just like to write down the best statement i've heard during this period of reviewing and being soooobrang anxious. Super kabado na baka bumagsak ako. My uncle-in-law who is a doctor just told me casually, "wag kang kabahan, yung mga di nagaaral lang ang kinakabahan at ang mga nagcacram" for some reason that made me feel really at ease. Knowing that i am doing the best that i can to really learn all i feel i have to learn before the end of november, i still can't help but feel incompetent and unintelligent. The sheer thought of the volume of knowledge that i have to understand and memorize is just daunting and really overwhelming that it has come to a point that it has given me a paralyzing uncertainty as to what specific areas of learning i have to focus on, doubting that the things i do get to study won't come out in the board exams.Haay. Anyway i now feel so much better. I just have to put my heart and focus into studying intently, no reason to feel anxious.

Today, we spent most of the day in the cemetery. Folding chinese paper money and burning it, eating, visiting other relatives and acquaintances graves, giving candles, burning incense, and just observing people around. I found this year's all soul's day relatively easy on the vibe as i usually dread these kinds of occassions (reasons to be expounded on later posts, when i feel like ranting. hehe)

One of my cousins has a severe bout of acne, might have inherited it from her mom. Felt really bad for her and i recommended the regimen i followed that freed me from the shackles of unconsented ugliness due to puberty and adolesecence. hehe. I really hope it works great for her as it did me and my friend (whom i've also recommended the regimen to after several unsuccesful yet really expensive treatments)

All in all it has been a good day, i'm feeling good, i'm starting to write more, hopefully by my personal blog's anniversary i would have gone back to my old writing self.

P.S. I really miss my baby, sobra. Sana kami pa rin forever. Sana maayos na naming pareho sarili namin. Sana ako lang mamahalin nya magpakailanman tulad ko sa kanya. . Love you baby, I miss you.