Yeah. Modern Family on 2nd Avenue. Nuff said.
I want my own Mitchell. I want him now. hahaha!
Alarm went off 4 times, set it at 6 am, got up 7. I had to literally drag myself to jog, my feet were heavy, my shoulders a bit slumped. But it had to be done. Haven't jogged for 5 days now, been thinking of him. There's no such thing as something for nothing, absolutely. If I want to get over him, if I want to get me a man, I need to get my cute little butt out there and sashay my way to hotness.
Okay here we go.. 1st round, man I'm tired! You can do it, no such thing as something for nothing. 2nd round, well if I just walk really fast I guess that counts, okay walkathon eto. 3rd round, man oh man this is what 5 days of inactivity has done to me, I'm so tamad!! just want to lay there and soak in the glorious glorious warm sun! Di bale kaya to, ui cute guy at 12, man I got so shy, I hate myself.
Now there were 2 lolas in front of me, one even had this cane/foldable chair thingy with her, okay so I pass them (at least I walk faster than them kahit na i'm so tamad and tired na, that's a relief, I'll kick myself in the crotch if I can't even overtake them kaya) so i hear this blaring audio from them as I pass them by, audiophiles ang mga lola nyo, literally lola sila di ba? Guess what they were listening to, F-I-R-E-W-O-R-K-S ni Katy Perry!! Cool!! Lurve them na!
So I only got to about 6 rounds, before heading home, another cute guy, short shorts, great thighs, haaay. I want thighs like that (for myself, I mean I want my thighs to look like that), yung tipong pang 300 na movie. Love those powerful Spartan thighs, they look like they're ready to mount anything in a heartbeat.
Great start. Lunch with a friend later. I'm off!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Insanity
They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results every time.
I know, I know, things aren't going to change, time and again I've proven myself wrong everytime I try to reconcile our differences and forgive him for past deep hurts.
But tonight I find myself toying with the idea of getting back with him. Of again looking like a fool by pleading and asking for his forgiveness even if I'm the one wronged.
I am Insane.
I am drunk insane with love.
You were to be my first, my last, my forever.
At first I didn't want to get into a relationship, because I know that I cannot be involved with someone else when I can't even be involved with myself. I had a lot of unresolved issues and I know I can't be the one he wanted. He was seeing somebody he wanted to see. He was seeing me as someone to rescue. That's him all right, In his head he is a gallant chivalrous knight ready to sweep me off my feet to take me to the sanctuary of our love.
He wooed me endlessly. I denied him countless times. But in the end I relented, his persistence made me realize that he might indeed be the one.
It felt like he was the one. We were soulmates. He completes me. He made me forget my past and made me realize that I am capable of love and being loved. I was living in blissful ecstasy.
Early in the relationship, I noticed some glaring red flags, but I brushed it aside, my love for him was stronger.
It was hard. It was like a rollercoaster ride, peaks and valleys of joy and pain. I couldn't take it anymore.
He is in a much better place now than I am. So he has the luxury to throw me aside, he no longer needs me. I put my life on hold because he can get insecure at the slightest promise of success I might have, at the idea of me having friends, at the idea that I might be gaining self esteem and confidence.
I guess he just wanted someone to control. I met him when he was at a crossroads of his life, it was a time of uncertainty for him. He met me when I was on my way to fixing my life, of painstakingly putting together the broken fragments of my self. I helped him mend his wings, he took mine apart.
And now he's ready to fly. I'm wounded and can barely hold my head up.
It's over I know. For my sake.
But love has such a profound expression of making you feel whole. I want to be whole. I want to be loved.
But I guess I just have to strive harder to fight the desire to be with him. I guess I'm just in love with the idea of being in love. Whatever it might be, I'm struggling hard.
I'm reminded of a line from Adele's song 'Someone Like You'
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.
I know, I know, things aren't going to change, time and again I've proven myself wrong everytime I try to reconcile our differences and forgive him for past deep hurts.
But tonight I find myself toying with the idea of getting back with him. Of again looking like a fool by pleading and asking for his forgiveness even if I'm the one wronged.
I am Insane.
I am drunk insane with love.
You were to be my first, my last, my forever.
At first I didn't want to get into a relationship, because I know that I cannot be involved with someone else when I can't even be involved with myself. I had a lot of unresolved issues and I know I can't be the one he wanted. He was seeing somebody he wanted to see. He was seeing me as someone to rescue. That's him all right, In his head he is a gallant chivalrous knight ready to sweep me off my feet to take me to the sanctuary of our love.
He wooed me endlessly. I denied him countless times. But in the end I relented, his persistence made me realize that he might indeed be the one.
It felt like he was the one. We were soulmates. He completes me. He made me forget my past and made me realize that I am capable of love and being loved. I was living in blissful ecstasy.
Early in the relationship, I noticed some glaring red flags, but I brushed it aside, my love for him was stronger.
It was hard. It was like a rollercoaster ride, peaks and valleys of joy and pain. I couldn't take it anymore.
He is in a much better place now than I am. So he has the luxury to throw me aside, he no longer needs me. I put my life on hold because he can get insecure at the slightest promise of success I might have, at the idea of me having friends, at the idea that I might be gaining self esteem and confidence.
I guess he just wanted someone to control. I met him when he was at a crossroads of his life, it was a time of uncertainty for him. He met me when I was on my way to fixing my life, of painstakingly putting together the broken fragments of my self. I helped him mend his wings, he took mine apart.
And now he's ready to fly. I'm wounded and can barely hold my head up.
It's over I know. For my sake.
But love has such a profound expression of making you feel whole. I want to be whole. I want to be loved.
But I guess I just have to strive harder to fight the desire to be with him. I guess I'm just in love with the idea of being in love. Whatever it might be, I'm struggling hard.
I'm reminded of a line from Adele's song 'Someone Like You'
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Ocean Deep
Mr. Sandman proved to be very elusive last night. I kept on tossing and turning. My mind kept darting back and forth between thoughts of him and thoughts of wanting to move on. I understand that this won't go away easily, having someone for 4 years meant that I have to wait a wee bit longer to get used to being on my own.
The littlest thing seems to trigger my thoughts of him. A program on tv that we used to anticipate for the week, our favorite food, a scent, some inside jokes, those kind of trivial mundane things make the transition a bit tricky.
But last night was enough, I have struggled the past few days with thoughts of him but tonight was the night it ended. I have to do something about it. They say that the only thing that you have absolute exclusive control of is your mind. Tonight I'm going to exercise my exclusive privilege, I'm going to do something about this.
Now, the plan is, every time a thought of him pops in this crazy head of mine, i divert that thought into thinking about the ocean. Now don't ask me why the ocean, that was the first thing that I came up with. So there I was lying on my bed, staring at the dark, then I thought about how he was always chirpy in the morning even after a major fight the night before (which makes me really mad because he won't even apologize about it, he thinks that all is well if he's kinda gotten over it and I haven't, and its my fault that I haven't). Okay so here I go... Oceans oceans oceans... wow this is kinda working, the tranquil azure waters, the cool breeze, a single yacht on the horizon (or a boat of some sort whatever, just to break the monotony of the scene) it was relaxing... and it worked. I then drifted off to sleep.
The following day, I was refreshed and raring to go. The day went exceptionally well, a few thoughts of him about twice, then oceans I go.
I had a great dinner with the family, worked out properly (although I had a sore shoulder because I might have overdone it with the kettle bells). A day without him gnawing in my head.
So night falls, I brushed my teeth with my appetite suppressant toothpaste, washed my face, and put on my sweater. I lay on my bed all comfy and content with dreams of the future all sparkling in my head. Then it happened.
I kept stealing glances from my phone for a message, a message that deep in my heart I know who I was expecting from ( a good night perhaps, or a message of regret and apology)...
Damn, I guess I just have to contend with having to think about oceans my whole life.
The littlest thing seems to trigger my thoughts of him. A program on tv that we used to anticipate for the week, our favorite food, a scent, some inside jokes, those kind of trivial mundane things make the transition a bit tricky.
But last night was enough, I have struggled the past few days with thoughts of him but tonight was the night it ended. I have to do something about it. They say that the only thing that you have absolute exclusive control of is your mind. Tonight I'm going to exercise my exclusive privilege, I'm going to do something about this.
Now, the plan is, every time a thought of him pops in this crazy head of mine, i divert that thought into thinking about the ocean. Now don't ask me why the ocean, that was the first thing that I came up with. So there I was lying on my bed, staring at the dark, then I thought about how he was always chirpy in the morning even after a major fight the night before (which makes me really mad because he won't even apologize about it, he thinks that all is well if he's kinda gotten over it and I haven't, and its my fault that I haven't). Okay so here I go... Oceans oceans oceans... wow this is kinda working, the tranquil azure waters, the cool breeze, a single yacht on the horizon (or a boat of some sort whatever, just to break the monotony of the scene) it was relaxing... and it worked. I then drifted off to sleep.
The following day, I was refreshed and raring to go. The day went exceptionally well, a few thoughts of him about twice, then oceans I go.
I had a great dinner with the family, worked out properly (although I had a sore shoulder because I might have overdone it with the kettle bells). A day without him gnawing in my head.
So night falls, I brushed my teeth with my appetite suppressant toothpaste, washed my face, and put on my sweater. I lay on my bed all comfy and content with dreams of the future all sparkling in my head. Then it happened.
I kept stealing glances from my phone for a message, a message that deep in my heart I know who I was expecting from ( a good night perhaps, or a message of regret and apology)...
Damn, I guess I just have to contend with having to think about oceans my whole life.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
It is what it is
All my life i've constantly struggled with myself, with my environment, with the people around me. Yes there are a lot of issues around me but the one thing that I truly failed to zero in to be central to my problems was my sexual identity. Yes I am gay. There I said it. So yeah that was kinda like my coming out.
I have never really felt comfortable with my own skin. Never really felt I belonged or that somebody understands. I just know that something is wrong with me and that society at large doesn't approve of it.
You a fan of glee? Notice how they celebrate being different and all? Yeah its true that when you're younger you just want to fit in and that you only appreciate your difference as you get older. But then again it doesn't make the memory of being bullied any easier.
Yes I am a victim of bullying. There again I said it. They say that recognition is the first step to recovery. I don't want to ever forget again. I have often repressed these memories because they were just too damn painful. But that prevents me from moving forward.
Aside from the social alienation that you get from being 'different', being bullied is no laughing matter. Grabe there was this one time, eh medyo di pa ko talaga aware na may mali sa mga ginagawa ko, naglalaro kami sa school ng chinese garter, take note with girls ha! I'm so gay! hahahaha! Eh pano ba naman magaling ako dun, I don't play sports and that was the closest thing my pretty little legs could do. I pride myself at being very good at it kaya. So this one time, as I was about to hurdle one particularly challenging level (yung nasa level na ng ulo nila) one particularly insecure chap (i guess he was a closet case kaya ganun) tripped me as i was running to provide momentum for my jump. Blag!!! grabe sakit nun ha! i couldn't do anything... He was much larger than I am, he had friends for backup, I have none...
Hay isa lang yun sa mga madami pang pambubully na minsan eh tumagal pa hanggang college, na medyo subtle na lang pero hurtful pa rin...
Yung mga akala kong normal na ginagawa ko nung bata ako ay palatandaan pala kung ano talaga ako. It just comes naturally to me. Only when I realized that society frowns upon it that I started to learn to act to be more masculine, to sort of play charades with my identity.
Ngayon, I know what I am. Pero I still couldn't come out. I still have a lot of things to fix.
Having come from a really messed up, narcissistic, manipulative relationship with someone with no heart, I have to do some major damage control in my life.
This blog I came upon helped solidify my understanding that I am gay. There comes a time in a gay man's life when he questions everything about himself. Am I really gay? Do I just need more guy friends? Baka medyo malambot lang ako, I think I like girls naman baka bi ako. These are the streams of thought that one goes through before realizing that he is indeed gay. Only when you've come out to yourself can you start living your life.
borngaybornthisway.blogspot.com makes you realize that you are born gay. I mean nung pagkabasa ko nitong blog nito and seeing all the pictures and reading the stories, I can totally relate. I mean I exactly have pictures and videos such as these!!! Why the denial from my family? Sana they could have just accepted it and gotten over it na lang. Tapos support na lang kasi I never asked to be born this way di ba?
Pero I think the age of enlightenment is upon us, nagsisimula na ang acceptance paunti unti dito sa Pilipinas. I just hope no kid ever has to go through the turmoil of sexual identity crisis as I did. Hirap kaya.
I have never really felt comfortable with my own skin. Never really felt I belonged or that somebody understands. I just know that something is wrong with me and that society at large doesn't approve of it.
You a fan of glee? Notice how they celebrate being different and all? Yeah its true that when you're younger you just want to fit in and that you only appreciate your difference as you get older. But then again it doesn't make the memory of being bullied any easier.
Yes I am a victim of bullying. There again I said it. They say that recognition is the first step to recovery. I don't want to ever forget again. I have often repressed these memories because they were just too damn painful. But that prevents me from moving forward.
Aside from the social alienation that you get from being 'different', being bullied is no laughing matter. Grabe there was this one time, eh medyo di pa ko talaga aware na may mali sa mga ginagawa ko, naglalaro kami sa school ng chinese garter, take note with girls ha! I'm so gay! hahahaha! Eh pano ba naman magaling ako dun, I don't play sports and that was the closest thing my pretty little legs could do. I pride myself at being very good at it kaya. So this one time, as I was about to hurdle one particularly challenging level (yung nasa level na ng ulo nila) one particularly insecure chap (i guess he was a closet case kaya ganun) tripped me as i was running to provide momentum for my jump. Blag!!! grabe sakit nun ha! i couldn't do anything... He was much larger than I am, he had friends for backup, I have none...
Hay isa lang yun sa mga madami pang pambubully na minsan eh tumagal pa hanggang college, na medyo subtle na lang pero hurtful pa rin...
Yung mga akala kong normal na ginagawa ko nung bata ako ay palatandaan pala kung ano talaga ako. It just comes naturally to me. Only when I realized that society frowns upon it that I started to learn to act to be more masculine, to sort of play charades with my identity.
Ngayon, I know what I am. Pero I still couldn't come out. I still have a lot of things to fix.
Having come from a really messed up, narcissistic, manipulative relationship with someone with no heart, I have to do some major damage control in my life.
This blog I came upon helped solidify my understanding that I am gay. There comes a time in a gay man's life when he questions everything about himself. Am I really gay? Do I just need more guy friends? Baka medyo malambot lang ako, I think I like girls naman baka bi ako. These are the streams of thought that one goes through before realizing that he is indeed gay. Only when you've come out to yourself can you start living your life.
borngaybornthisway.blogspot.com makes you realize that you are born gay. I mean nung pagkabasa ko nitong blog nito and seeing all the pictures and reading the stories, I can totally relate. I mean I exactly have pictures and videos such as these!!! Why the denial from my family? Sana they could have just accepted it and gotten over it na lang. Tapos support na lang kasi I never asked to be born this way di ba?
Pero I think the age of enlightenment is upon us, nagsisimula na ang acceptance paunti unti dito sa Pilipinas. I just hope no kid ever has to go through the turmoil of sexual identity crisis as I did. Hirap kaya.
Starting over
Okay so first things first, ever since naging kami ng ex ko, he made me stop going to the gym. E therapeutic kaya yun sa kin. Una asthmatic ako at mahina katawan ko so I need it para makagalaw ng maayos sa mundong ito. Ikaw ba gusto mo ung nurse mo e sumisipol habang humihinga? yaiks! Tsaka having been through a lot in my life, exercise helps me cope with all my issues, ika nga ni Reese sa legally blonde "endorphins make you happy" Pero still I gave it up para wala ng away, para sa kanya (pero nung sya naman na eh tumataba na, hirit sa kin "tara gym tayo!" hello talk to your face arsehole! hahaha)
So now got to get me back in shape! Jog bukas! I'm starting over!
So now got to get me back in shape! Jog bukas! I'm starting over!
I'm back!
Wow going through my old posts was refreshing and amusing at the same time. Grabe this is the joy of keeping a web log. You get to see yourself in a different light and perspective at different periods of time. Parang ang naive naive ko pa nun at napaka immature. A lot has changed since then. I'm more serious and mature now. I guess that's what you get when you go through a major change in your life.
My relationship of 4 years has finally ended... I'ts sad. But I guess it was mutual. We just don't have anything else in us to keep holding on to the relationship. Usually I'm the one who cling and try to work things out, because I'm sincere in keeping our promise of forever. I guess there's no such thing as forever.
I knew it was over when I no longer had anything to say to him. E madaldal ako, kaya pag wala na kong masabi alam kong hindi utak ko o bibig ko ang pagod... puso ko ang pagod.. Choz! hahaha pero seriously, I've never felt so defeated in my life before. I just feel numb. But I guess this experience taught me to be stronger.
And stronger will I be. I got to live my life the way I've always intended it to be. No more restrictions, no more jealousy, no more petty fights, no more insecurity, no more love...
Is it possible that I was born to be alone?
My relationship of 4 years has finally ended... I'ts sad. But I guess it was mutual. We just don't have anything else in us to keep holding on to the relationship. Usually I'm the one who cling and try to work things out, because I'm sincere in keeping our promise of forever. I guess there's no such thing as forever.
I knew it was over when I no longer had anything to say to him. E madaldal ako, kaya pag wala na kong masabi alam kong hindi utak ko o bibig ko ang pagod... puso ko ang pagod.. Choz! hahaha pero seriously, I've never felt so defeated in my life before. I just feel numb. But I guess this experience taught me to be stronger.
And stronger will I be. I got to live my life the way I've always intended it to be. No more restrictions, no more jealousy, no more petty fights, no more insecurity, no more love...
Is it possible that I was born to be alone?
Thursday, May 7, 2009
RN na wohoo!!!
okay so ngayon lang uli ako nakapagblog. Naku i had been reading the previous posts medyo gloomy! hahaha. di bale aayusin natin yan. anyway, things have been a little tough lately pero my spirit was lifted nang bumalik ako dito at nabasa ang mga naipong positivity sa mga posts (which initially was the sole intent of this blog) ganito na lang to make things cheery i'm going to write down a few things. We're going to tap into the power of the secret ok guys? (haha guys daw oh para namang may nagbabasa nito e private to hahahaha sira talaga ko!)
ok heto ang mga gusto ko.
1. i would really want a really really spiffy cam ala ako alam sa mga specs ng magandang cam e alam ko lang i would want one. para din mapaganda ko tong blog ko di ba?
2. i'm going to serendipitously meet someone who would open up a major career opportunity for me in writing, being on tv hosting, and teaching in a nursing review course o di ba?
3. i will be having a really cool group of friends na tipong they know me for who i am and accepts all my quirks and oddities hahahaha.
4. i will meet someone special. someone strong (in all aspects), emotionally and financially stable, and who will love me for all my flaws, crazy in love with me and i will be the same with ahem. hihihi.
5. i will love me for who i am.
*Edit (March 7, 2011) ayoko na maging tv host, motivational professional speaker na. Ayoko na din maging reviewer, clinical instructor na lang sa school. hahaha!
ok heto ang mga gusto ko.
1. i would really want a really really spiffy cam ala ako alam sa mga specs ng magandang cam e alam ko lang i would want one. para din mapaganda ko tong blog ko di ba?
2. i'm going to serendipitously meet someone who would open up a major career opportunity for me in writing, being on tv hosting, and teaching in a nursing review course o di ba?
3. i will be having a really cool group of friends na tipong they know me for who i am and accepts all my quirks and oddities hahahaha.
4. i will meet someone special. someone strong (in all aspects), emotionally and financially stable, and who will love me for all my flaws, crazy in love with me and i will be the same with ahem. hihihi.
5. i will love me for who i am.
*Edit (March 7, 2011) ayoko na maging tv host, motivational professional speaker na. Ayoko na din maging reviewer, clinical instructor na lang sa school. hahaha!
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