All my life i've constantly struggled with myself, with my environment, with the people around me. Yes there are a lot of issues around me but the one thing that I truly failed to zero in to be central to my problems was my sexual identity. Yes I am gay. There I said it. So yeah that was kinda like my coming out.
I have never really felt comfortable with my own skin. Never really felt I belonged or that somebody understands. I just know that something is wrong with me and that society at large doesn't approve of it.
You a fan of glee? Notice how they celebrate being different and all? Yeah its true that when you're younger you just want to fit in and that you only appreciate your difference as you get older. But then again it doesn't make the memory of being bullied any easier.
Yes I am a victim of bullying. There again I said it. They say that recognition is the first step to recovery. I don't want to ever forget again. I have often repressed these memories because they were just too damn painful. But that prevents me from moving forward.
Aside from the social alienation that you get from being 'different', being bullied is no laughing matter. Grabe there was this one time, eh medyo di pa ko talaga aware na may mali sa mga ginagawa ko, naglalaro kami sa school ng chinese garter, take note with girls ha! I'm so gay! hahahaha! Eh pano ba naman magaling ako dun, I don't play sports and that was the closest thing my pretty little legs could do. I pride myself at being very good at it kaya. So this one time, as I was about to hurdle one particularly challenging level (yung nasa level na ng ulo nila) one particularly insecure chap (i guess he was a closet case kaya ganun) tripped me as i was running to provide momentum for my jump. Blag!!! grabe sakit nun ha! i couldn't do anything... He was much larger than I am, he had friends for backup, I have none...
Hay isa lang yun sa mga madami pang pambubully na minsan eh tumagal pa hanggang college, na medyo subtle na lang pero hurtful pa rin...
Yung mga akala kong normal na ginagawa ko nung bata ako ay palatandaan pala kung ano talaga ako. It just comes naturally to me. Only when I realized that society frowns upon it that I started to learn to act to be more masculine, to sort of play charades with my identity.
Ngayon, I know what I am. Pero I still couldn't come out. I still have a lot of things to fix.
Having come from a really messed up, narcissistic, manipulative relationship with someone with no heart, I have to do some major damage control in my life.
This blog I came upon helped solidify my understanding that I am gay. There comes a time in a gay man's life when he questions everything about himself. Am I really gay? Do I just need more guy friends? Baka medyo malambot lang ako, I think I like girls naman baka bi ako. These are the streams of thought that one goes through before realizing that he is indeed gay. Only when you've come out to yourself can you start living your life.
borngaybornthisway.blogspot.com makes you realize that you are born gay. I mean nung pagkabasa ko nitong blog nito and seeing all the pictures and reading the stories, I can totally relate. I mean I exactly have pictures and videos such as these!!! Why the denial from my family? Sana they could have just accepted it and gotten over it na lang. Tapos support na lang kasi I never asked to be born this way di ba?
Pero I think the age of enlightenment is upon us, nagsisimula na ang acceptance paunti unti dito sa Pilipinas. I just hope no kid ever has to go through the turmoil of sexual identity crisis as I did. Hirap kaya.
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