Ocean Deep

Mr. Sandman proved to be very elusive last night. I kept on tossing and turning. My mind kept darting back and forth between thoughts of him and thoughts of wanting to move on. I understand that this won't go away easily, having someone for 4 years meant that I have to wait a wee bit longer to get used to being on my own.

The littlest thing seems to trigger my thoughts of him. A program on tv that we used to anticipate for the week, our favorite food, a scent, some inside jokes, those kind of trivial mundane things make the transition a bit tricky.

But last night was enough, I have struggled the past few days with thoughts of him but tonight was the night it ended. I have to do something about it. They say that the only thing that you have absolute exclusive control of is your mind. Tonight I'm going to exercise my exclusive privilege, I'm going to do something about this.

Now, the plan is, every time a thought of him pops in this crazy head of mine, i divert that thought into thinking about the ocean. Now don't ask me why the ocean, that was the first thing that I came up with. So there I was lying on my bed, staring at the dark, then I thought about how he was always chirpy in the morning even after a major fight the night before (which makes me really mad because he won't even apologize about it, he thinks that all is well if he's kinda gotten over it and I haven't, and its my fault that I haven't). Okay so here I go... Oceans oceans oceans... wow this is kinda working, the tranquil azure waters, the cool breeze, a single yacht on the horizon (or a boat of some sort whatever, just to break the monotony of the scene) it was relaxing... and it worked. I then drifted off to sleep.

The following day, I was refreshed and raring to go. The day went exceptionally well, a few thoughts of him about twice, then oceans I go.

I had a great dinner with the family, worked out properly (although I had a sore shoulder because I might have overdone it with the kettle bells). A day without him gnawing in my head.

So night falls, I brushed my teeth with my appetite suppressant toothpaste, washed my face, and put on my sweater. I lay on my bed all comfy and content with dreams of the future all sparkling in my head. Then it happened.

I kept stealing glances from my phone for a message, a message that deep in my heart I know who I was expecting from ( a good night perhaps, or a message of regret and apology)...

Damn, I guess I just have to contend with having to think about oceans my whole life.