Insanity

They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results every time.

I know, I know, things aren't going to change, time and again I've proven myself wrong everytime I try to reconcile our differences and forgive him for past deep hurts.

But tonight I find myself toying with the idea of getting back with him. Of again looking like a fool by pleading and asking for his forgiveness even if I'm the one wronged.

I am Insane.

I am drunk insane with love.

You were to be my first, my last, my forever.

At first I didn't want to get into a relationship, because I know that I cannot be involved with someone else when I can't even be involved with myself. I had a lot of unresolved issues and I know I can't be the one he wanted. He was seeing somebody he wanted to see. He was seeing me as someone to rescue. That's him all right, In his head he is a gallant chivalrous knight ready to sweep me off my feet to take me to the sanctuary of our love.

He wooed me endlessly. I denied him countless times. But in the end I relented, his persistence made me realize that he might indeed be the one.

It felt like he was the one. We were soulmates. He completes me. He made me forget my past and made me realize that I am capable of love and being loved. I was living in blissful ecstasy.

Early in the relationship, I noticed some glaring red flags, but I brushed it aside, my love for him was stronger.

It was hard. It was like a rollercoaster ride, peaks and valleys of joy and pain. I couldn't take it anymore.

He is in a much better place now than I am. So he has the luxury to throw me aside, he no longer needs me. I put my life on hold because he can get insecure at the slightest promise of success I might have, at the idea of me having friends, at the idea that I might be gaining self esteem and confidence.

I guess he just wanted someone to control. I met him when he was at a crossroads of his life, it was a time of uncertainty for him. He met me when I was on my way to fixing my life, of painstakingly putting together the broken fragments of my self. I helped him mend his wings, he took mine apart.

And now he's ready to fly. I'm wounded and can barely hold my head up.

It's over I know. For my sake.

But love has such a profound expression of making you feel whole. I want to be whole. I want to be loved.

But I guess I just have to strive harder to fight the desire to be with him. I guess I'm just in love with the idea of being in love. Whatever it might be, I'm struggling hard.

I'm reminded of a line from Adele's song 'Someone Like You'

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.