Reality Bites

The uncertainty of the future is quite a daunting prospect. Specially for someone like myself who's starting later in life.

You see, I've battled clinical depression for quite a number of years. The pain from my confusion of who I am, self-loathing, and family issues finally culminated into this one big ball of negative energy that plunged me deep into the dark corners of my personal abyss.

I just wanted to give up so badly.

I just wanted everything to end.

I wanted something to cling on to.

Those were the darkest periods of my life. Looking back, I couldn't fathom how I could have survived all those years in that state of mind. It was sad really.

For a long time, I spent myself locked up in my room. Meals were delivered to my room, but I have no appetite for them. My room was a pig sty. I spend my days in fantastic worlds of my own creation under the somber embrace of slumber.

From there, the road to recovery was rocky. I was like an infant learning how to walk on shaky grounds.

The concept of a future does not exist for me. I was a being of the moment, everything boring is bad. I seek the company of the fickle and the temporary. I was going nowhere.

The days, months, years seem to merge in one continuous blur of vagueness.

I am in a much better place now. I am standing on the verge of my life. I am to brave the path to my destiny. I have to be brave. I now understand that I have to do it on my own.

I've always believed that when I met him, I helped him mend his wings, and he tore mine apart.
But closer introspection reveals quite an enlightening epiphany. I needed the pain. I needed to be shocked into the realities of life. I needed to feel the pain and not to run away from it. I needed to remember, to not forget. To take life for what it is, warts and all. I needed to wake up. He needed to tear my wings apart so I could grow sturdier ones.

Thank you baby. For all the pain and all the joy.

Thank you for waking me up from my sleep, it was long overdue anyway. I know how cheesy this might sound, but you woke me up with a kiss. Damn I'm so childish, I know I know, that sounded like sleeping beauty hahaha!

I love you baby.

p.s. I understand that my posts can be conflicting sometimes. Sometimes I love him sometimes I hate him. Please bear with me, I'm cycling through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance in no particular order.

Kaya to! go go go!! :)