ramblings

I hate getting off-centered, ung irita lang ang feeling, when things seem to follow a really nasty streak of bad luck. Haaay.

I want to get fit this year. I vow to have the discipline to work out and diet.

I seriously need a new gym buddy, my current on and off gym buddy is more like my binge eating buddy.

I don't believe life lies in a continuum, mas feel ko ung parang per chapter sya. I'm entering a new chapter of my life, I'm excited.

I just recently realized that I have trouble letting go and embracing change. It's a painful process for me.

I'd rather have anger issues than be apathetic. I'd like to think I'm just passionate about my feelings, no anger issues here, just saying.

I want to start fresh, I want to move out of the country. Sometimes the people around you keeps you from moving forward.

Life is good. You just have to learn to work hard to make it so.

Everything has a price. You need to be willing to pay the price for what you want. There's no such thing as a free pass baby.

Life's a mind game.

I am deus, hear me roar. :)

Whew, glad to get that out. I'm feeling much better now. :)

No He's Not

So how do you come out to your parents? to your family? do you blurt it out while watching a telenovela and hope that the discussion about it stops as soon as the commercial is over? do you go out for coffee and have a heart to heart talk with them? do you send them a supposedly wrong sent message confirming your identity? It's tricky.

Lately i've been wanting more and more to share who i am with my family. I want them to love me and know me for who i am. I want them to be part of my life. It takes so much energy to lie. I love my family and i want to live this one life without any pretenses specially with them.

One of the reasons why my desire to come out is stronger is because i want to settle down. I want to be with the one i love and live my life as a normal adult, being gay is inconsequential, i just want to live my life openly as a normal human adult without any prejudice. I want to work, come home to my partner, invest, spend, laugh, plan, dream, cry, and start a family. All that would be difficult if you don't have a solid support system like your family, who will anchor you to your commitment and make you realize that spending your one life with your one partner, one soulmate is possible. I want my family to be part of my journey, I want me to be part of theirs.

I've been tentative as to how and when i will come out, i'm still not quite certain. However, i have been more relaxed when i'm with them, guards down. So much so that my mom has always been asking me for my alter-ego, kung ano daw ba talaga pagkatao ko. It's funny, i know she knows, and she hints that she knows, but i know that she doesn't want it to be so. Denial is such a powerful force, it makes you blind to what is in front of you, makes you grasp at whatever indication that your suspicions are false, no matter how tenuous it might be.

Before, everytime my mom asks me about my orientation, i would simply answer her humorously. "Ikaw talaga ma!", "Ano bang tanong yan ma!", "kung anu-ano naiisip mo ma!", followed by a hearty laugh. Never confirming nor denying, but always making me feel all guilty inside.

Recently when she asked me this, she was on the bed, i was in front of the mirror, spending way too much time on the mirror, then she asked me, "nagdududa na talaga ako sa yo, ano ka ba talaga?" with a teasing smile on her face, i just looked at her, lay beside her in bed, my face turned against her, and whispered, "kaw talaga ma..." no laughs.

What prompted me to write this post is what happened with my dad earlier. My dad never questioned nor hinted his suspicions at me, although my mom did reveal to me when i was younger that he did wonder about my masculinity, but that was just once, that i know of.

Earlier in the day, i shared an amusing story about how an old friend of mine, who's now living in the states, is looking for me through a common friend. Our common friend told me that she was in love with me and would seriously come home to the Philippines in a heartbeat to marry me. To me it was cute in a way, yet funny at the same time since we've never really been together and i just found it a bit peculiar, so out of the blue.

Me: dad lam mo may friend ako sa states, uuwi daw ng Pinas para lang pakasalan ako.

Dad: babae?

A Freudian slip.

My world slowed down a bit, but i quickly resumed my tempo to hide my surprise.

Me: oo, citizen na nga ata yun dun eh, hehehe.

So there, i thought to myself? pano kung sinabi ko lalake? I stopped myself thinking, that incident just made me realize that no matter how hard i try to be butch and guyish, they can see right through me. They know me, I'm their child.

My mom revealed to me once that she asked some of her gay friends to test their gaydars on me. Their answer, "no he's not." My mom was elated. I was crushed. What my mom is playing is such a delicate balancing act, on the one hand knowing who i am, on the other, denying.

I dream of the day when my mom would tell her friends, "Yes he is." beaming with pride. But i understand that i still have a long way to go. Baby steps deus, baby steps.

mush

Okay, so I've been really busy lately hence the lack of posts. Had a really interesting summer, a lot of things happened, things that are definitely seared into my long term memory, summer of 2011 you rock! It's not exactly all fun and games, I went through some really tough times this month but the upside to it is that it made me all grown up, made me look at the world sans the rose colored glasses, i saw the world for what it really is and i'm now ready for it.

We only have one life to live, that I understand now. There are times when we feel like mortality is but a distant folklore, and we try to live an epicurean lifestyle, what is pleasurable is good, what is boring is bad. However, there is also pleasure in sadness, in reality, in truth. We live in an age where the myth of happiness is everybody's life goal, but the truth is you don't need to be constantly smiling and easy going to be happy. Sometimes powering through the challenges specific to your fate, to your circumstance, to your life is enough of a satisfaction. There is a profound sense of confidence when you understand that your life is yours to live and that every flaw in it is yours and yours alone and that's what makes each of our lives unique.

Try talking to any stranger on the street and you'll find that each one of them has a story to tell, each one as diverse and as interesting as the next if not more. Filipino tv makes a killing out of these stories, and these stories serve as a reminder that we don't need to conform, what makes us different is what makes us interesting.

I am interesting, that I understand now. For a long time, I wanted the life of other people I know, life that seems so charmed, so perfect, but then again that assumption is ignorant. For no one is immune to the tragedies that makes life all the more worth it. I am more comfortable with myself now, I am who I am. This is my life and I'm going to seize it as my own. I am in the zone. I am in my zone.

Mush, that's how my brain feels like right now for everything that i've been through this month. I'm taking a short break from it all, regain my bearing, and live every second of my life as my own.

Hollow Block

I took a friend out today. She's been down on her luck lately and I thought I' d cheer her up.

She's supposed to be due for New Zealand, but the recent catastrophic earthquake that shook this little Maori nation proved to be the cause of delay for her departure. I remember how she'd often talk about going bungee jumping once she gets there, and how giddy and excited she'd get when she talks about it, she even gets this sparkle in her eyes when she daydreams about it.

So I thought I'd give her a taste of how it feels like to plummet towards the ground face down. We went rappelling. It was a 60-foot free fall drop that literally turned my knees into jello.

It was fun. They say that courage can be acquired through habit, well this exercise would definitely turn one's pusong mamon into steel.

Throughout the duration of the day, we've been talking about anything and everything just as friends do. However I suddenly sensed a certain kind of heaviness, I can't really explain what really, but just heavy. Mabigat sa ulo, sa utak, sa vibe, ewan ko basta mabigat. I don't know if it's just me or whatever but I certainly sensed this 'feel' distinctly.

We've been friends for almost 3 years now, met her through nursing school. She's been through a lot in her life, from her adolescence years, domestic issues, everything just seems to be hard for her. Even the person processing her papers was baffled as to why everything wrong that could happen, happened to her, talk about Murphy's law in action.

Trying to dissect what happened earlier made me realize that because I'm now going in a more positive and optimistic state of mind makes me more sensitive to this kind of 'heavy' vibe. I'm not saying she's negative or anything, but things sure seem to fall out of place with her plans. Maybe because of everything she had to go through in life, an unconscious part of her expects things to go awry or difficult most of the time. Thoughts are things, and although she's a fighter trying to power her way through each and every obstacle in her life, things just don't seem to get any easier for her. Maybe the problem lies with her subconscious.

We need some major reprogramming to do. A psychobabble here, a little motivational talk there, a little humor on the side, anything just to rewire her thoughts. She's a very positive person so I'm not really sure where all this is coming from, maybe it's some deep unresolved issues with her past that she didn't quite come to terms with yet, I'm not really sure. All I know is that nakakahawa ang bigat. Pagkauwi ko parang pagod na pagod ako, I felt so drained.

Haay, positive thoughts, happy thoughts! smile smile smile!!!! :)

Habulan

As I have written before, my first run was an epic fail. I'm not trying to make excuses but I was totally unprepared for it. It was a 10k run and at that time I haven't been physically active for a while, never trained for it, been drinking heavily, and I was emotionally distressed. I vowed that it will never happen again.

I set myself a goal for this year, as an act of vindication from my mortifying ordeal at that first attempt at running, I would run a 5k this year and finish among the first half of the runners.

I gave myself 21 days to prepare. My practice jogs were incrementally improving as the days went on, but I still know that it wasn't enough, it was always a struggle. I told myself, baby steps deus, baby steps.

Today against all odds... I did it. I finished among the first half of the runners. :)

One of my goals for the year has been ticked. I never could have expected it.

I can't stop smiling. :)

That's all, gotta run!

C2H5OH

Before our final break up, we've broken up 2 years ago for around 3 months.

Hence, the birth of this blog.

I was so down. I didn't know how to begin living without him. I lost myself in him.

I started going out and drinking heavily. I never cared about the hapless neurons I was about to commit genocide on. I just wanted to forget.

Then I met him, I'll call him number 4, 4 for short. Number 4 because I consider him my 4th angel. More about the 3 angels in later posts.

I met him at a seminar. He was really masculine, butch. I was at that time looking like a sad little orphan boy, with sad little orphan eyes, unkempt hair, unflattering clothes, slumped posture. Mukha talaga akong kawawa.

Then I noticed, that everyday he'd keep taking the seats near me, keep engaging me in short talks, and keep inviting me out after the day is done. I never really cared, I was like a zombie, I was just going through the motions of life.

After a while, I relented. He took me jogging. Extreme health buff eh. It was nice, and we had a lovely breakfast afterwards. It turns out that he'd seen me years earlier at my former gym, told me he kinda took a fancy at me back then but I just seemed so absorbed in my own world that he didn't even bother.

So I kinda took a liking to him. He was a nice guy. There was just no spark though. I still loved my ex, and number 4 was there to save me from drowning in my misery, he talked me into feeling good again.

He took me for my first run. It was a 10k run. I've written about it earlier, and I sort of didn't reveal the whole truth back then, I am indeed the last, there were sweepers behind me, but with me was number 4 as well, cheering me on. I am the last runner behind but technically I'm the 2nd to the last. Right as we were nearing the finish line, number 4 slowed down, gave me a few meters of leeway and allowed me to finish before him. Technically he got the last place. Imagine, athletic na athletic, ang lakas lakas niyang tignan, he could have finished among the top 10 pero... hehe sweet.

I was seriously considering a relationship with him, he knew I just came from a bad break-up. I was hesitant to jump into another relationship without the passion I had with my ex.

Then new year's came. The ex called. I can't help but feel a slew of strong emotions stirring in me. I was excited, happy, sad, angry, all at the same time. But the overwhelming emotion I felt was love. I forgave him. I was happy we were back together again.

Having to talk to number 4 about the recent turn of events was quite heartbreaking for me. I didn't want to let him go. I didn't want to be one of the many guys that broke his heart. It was a very sad day for me. I didn't want to be unfair to the both of them. I loved my ex more, he was my soul mate, my forever.

Tomorrow I run, this time a 5k. I can't help but remember my first, it was with him, he introduced me to the sport. It's the reason why I eventually quit drinking and started on the path to wellness.

We totally lost contact after that. Never heard from him since.

Tomorrow I run with a multitude of health enthusiasts, of amateur runners like myself, of families trying to bond over a shared epinephrine rush, of office mates and friends wanting to see who could run the fastest, and maybe with a special friend who helped me stand up when I lost my will to live.

Thank you number 4. No more alcohol, I promise.

Him

Every time I achieve something noteworthy in my opinion and in my own humble measure, my ex always does it better a hundredfold. Sometimes it could get really irritating, no matter how hard I try, I just couldn't be better. But on a positive note, it does keep me grounded and humble specially since sometimes I do have a tendency to gloat at the minutest hint that I may have surpassed him even at the most trivial thing like dactyl. However no matter how hard I try he is the undisputed tap tap master.

I know he sometimes lets me bask in my victory for a nanosecond, but after a while he shows me who's boss. Reminiscing what we had always brings a smile to my face. He is my idol, I look up to him even if he's younger than I am. He is the man I've always envisioned myself to be. A little attitude problem here and there but hey you can't have it all can you?

So when I chanced upon the song Daydreamer by Adele I can't help but think of him. I can't help but realize that I was lucky enough to have him for 4 years, can't help but be grateful that we have grown together in what seems to me to be a lifetime.

Daydreamer
Adele

Daydreamer,
sitting on the seat,
soaking up the sun, (he's always had that chill vibe in him)
he is a real lover, ( a really good one at that hands down)
making up the past and (galing niyang bumawi)
feeling up his girl like he's never felt her figure before (he always makes me feel like I'm the most good looking guy in the room, and yeah he always feels me up like he's feeling me up for the first time)

A jaw dropper, (he's hot, artistahin)
looks good when he walks, (he's got that model walk down, did some modeling stints before)
is the subject of their talk (always the crush ng bayan)
he would be hard to chase, (he is hard to chase, may pagkasuplado)
but good to catch (he is a good catch)
and he could change the world with his hands behind his back, oh (yes he can, parang walang effort sa kanya mga ginagawa nya)

you can find him
sitting on your doorstep,
waiting for a surprise (he loves surprising me with the best gifts and the most thoughtful gestures, he loves surprises as well, too bad he's much better at it than I am at giving it)
and he will feel like
hes been there for hours (he's really very patient)
and you can tell that he'll be there for life (I can tell, it just didn't work out)

Daydreamer,
with eyes that make you melt, (nangugusap mga mata nya, he can also puppy eye on cue)
he lends his coat for shelter (very sweet, minsan nakakailang)
plus he's there for you when he shouldn't be, (minsan nakakainis, but in the end sobrang naapreciate ko.)
but he stays all the same, (yes he does, kahit war kami)
waits for you then sees you through (yes, he's always waiting for me and sees me through everything)

there's no way I could describe him
what I'll say is just what I'm hoping for

But I will find him ,
sitting on my doorstep,
waiting for a surprise
and he will feel like he's been there for hours
and I can tell that he'll be there for life.
And I can tell that he'll be there for life.



Nung napakinggan ko to, I can't help but have tears streaming down my face. Nakailang beses ko ng napakinggan to pero ganun pa rin. Naisip ko nga kung may tambalan kami ni Judy Ann, kayang kaya kong makipagsabayan sa pag-iyak as long as this song is playing in the background.

Love you baby.

Nerves

Sobrang kinakabahan na ko.

Anxiety attack talaga.

In school, I love presentations and reports. I love speaking in front of the class. It gives you a sense of control, gives you the power to persuade people to look at your own point of view and have them agree to it.

But now with only 2 days notice, I have to speak in front of a relatively large crowd, close to a hundred people. I feel so unprepared, and with a lot of things going on the past few days, I have but little time to prepare a decent speech.

Para na kong nahihilo at nasusuka. Di na ko makakain ng maayos.

Haay, during times like these, I call my ex and tell him all my worries and everything seems to go away. He calms me really.

I used to have trouble sleeping before, ang daming pumapasok sa utak ko right when my head hits my pillow. Minsan di maganda gising ko, I don't feel rested. When I met him, nakakatulog na ko ng mahimbing. Lagi ko yong sinasabi sa kanya, kung gano pati sa pagtulog ay sya ang rason ko. He was my everything, kaya nga ang hirap bumalik uli sa pagiging mag isa.

I feel safe when I'm with him. Feeling ko kaya ko lahat basta kasama ko sya, kaya naming lahat.

I'm a hopeless romantic, he was my fairytale story come true. Too bad it didn't have a happy ending, life got in the way.

Sabi nila married men live longer than single men. I want to live longer. I want to meet someone. I'm starting to enjoy my independence now, and starting to grow stronger without him. But sometimes I can't help but want him by my side. I want us to have our dreams back, I want us to be salt and pepper again. It's hard getting over someone. Specially someone who you really love, someone who you envisioned growing old together, someone to share my one life with.

I miss him. I miss us. So bad.

But right now I have to deal with my nerves.

P.J.

I was told we were going somewhere else, for a nightcap after a tedious day of seminars and talks.
Then my heart started to race when we suddenly took a quick turn into a... yup a girly bar.

In my head I can't believe this was happening. O sweet mother, why? Just when I have fully come to terms with my sexuality, just when I have decided to gradually ease into who I really am, just when I had shed all my pretensions about being butch and all, now this. Fuck I need some serious thespian skills. I get dibs for next year's Oscars, this is gonna be some serious performance tonight.

Okay so we got in. I stopped drinking a year ago, healthy lifestyle shit you know. So when it came to turning in our orders...

me: Sorry guys, I don't drink.
guy1: Dude, you have got to order something to drink otherwise they'll kick us out. (I know he was just bluffing of course)
me: Dude seriously I can't drink. I'll have a pineapple juice.

So I got myself a pj, in a girly bar. That's right, I would have ordered warm milk if I wasn't too embarassed already.

The guys were already ogling the beautiful girls, I pretended to look around, but nothing, no fireworks down south, nada.

So far so good, I could just sit here, take a sip of my lovely companion pj every now and then and everything will be alright. Until they decided to ask girls to sit with us. Man, my throat just dried up, seriously. I couldn't have downed my pj any faster.

They got me Anne. Shit, another pineapple juice please!

It was a little nerve-wracking, but after a few small talks, it became almost bearable. She's nice. I now get why guys love frequenting places like these. The girls make you feel like a man, like THE man. I felt like THE man. They boost your bruised ego, enchant you with their longing gazes, stir the confidence in you with their sultry laughter. Every word you say is genius, every line you whip out is an original. You are Casanova. You are.

When it was time to go, I was reluctant to leave my woman, my Anne. I am after all her Casanova. Man it feels so good! So this is how men feel like, no wonder some guys get hooked with the instant testosterone spike in their system. It just feels so damn good!

And oh yeah, I kissed a girl and I liked it. She gave me a kiss goodbye, I gave her a french.

By the end of that short lived guy's night out, I've had 4 pineapple juice. I think I'm getting an ulcer.

Reality Bites

The uncertainty of the future is quite a daunting prospect. Specially for someone like myself who's starting later in life.

You see, I've battled clinical depression for quite a number of years. The pain from my confusion of who I am, self-loathing, and family issues finally culminated into this one big ball of negative energy that plunged me deep into the dark corners of my personal abyss.

I just wanted to give up so badly.

I just wanted everything to end.

I wanted something to cling on to.

Those were the darkest periods of my life. Looking back, I couldn't fathom how I could have survived all those years in that state of mind. It was sad really.

For a long time, I spent myself locked up in my room. Meals were delivered to my room, but I have no appetite for them. My room was a pig sty. I spend my days in fantastic worlds of my own creation under the somber embrace of slumber.

From there, the road to recovery was rocky. I was like an infant learning how to walk on shaky grounds.

The concept of a future does not exist for me. I was a being of the moment, everything boring is bad. I seek the company of the fickle and the temporary. I was going nowhere.

The days, months, years seem to merge in one continuous blur of vagueness.

I am in a much better place now. I am standing on the verge of my life. I am to brave the path to my destiny. I have to be brave. I now understand that I have to do it on my own.

I've always believed that when I met him, I helped him mend his wings, and he tore mine apart.
But closer introspection reveals quite an enlightening epiphany. I needed the pain. I needed to be shocked into the realities of life. I needed to feel the pain and not to run away from it. I needed to remember, to not forget. To take life for what it is, warts and all. I needed to wake up. He needed to tear my wings apart so I could grow sturdier ones.

Thank you baby. For all the pain and all the joy.

Thank you for waking me up from my sleep, it was long overdue anyway. I know how cheesy this might sound, but you woke me up with a kiss. Damn I'm so childish, I know I know, that sounded like sleeping beauty hahaha!

I love you baby.

p.s. I understand that my posts can be conflicting sometimes. Sometimes I love him sometimes I hate him. Please bear with me, I'm cycling through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance in no particular order.

Kaya to! go go go!! :)

- -

I kinda felt off-centered today.

The ex texted early in the am. He's due to leave for some international business trips, and he knows that I'm sort of in a slump right now. I mean, slap in the face much? Yeah you're going places boy, and you don't need to rub it in.

I just don't get that twisted mind of his.

I might sound bitter, but I put my life on hold for him. He doesn't want me doing things on my own. He wants us to do things together. Everything.

So I shaped my life around us, dreaming up of things we could do together as a couple. Growing up together, experiencing new things together, seeing the world through shared eyes.

But then opportunity knocked. Now he doesn't want shared eyes, he wants his own panoramic view of the world.

So he broke it off.

That sucks.

For me.

The only consolation I got right now is that I loved unconditionally. No questions asked. I loved as love should be.

Man I'm getting tired of these posts. I want to get over all of this shit.

Next month I go back to living with him. We sort of been renting a place together. Contract doesn't end till middle of the year. Sayang naman binabayad ko noh! Oh well that would be my true test if I am indeed over him. I know in my heart of hearts that I am. It's just that he could be a total prick all the time, every time.

Nasira tuloy diet ko, hmp!

Ciao!

Strangers

Sabi nila strangers are friends we haven’t met yet.

I just met one.

Met him on my jogging routine. A lone tourist from Singapore. Turns out he’s a runner. Healthy lifestyle shit you know, alcohol makes him feel strange. Sabi nga nya iba daw feeling ng nakainom, nag pa pound puso nya eh hindi naman sya tumatakbo and he finds that very strange. I guess that’s how it feels when running’s a part of your life, tipong you get to have a new sense of normal than everyone else (everyone meaning the atherosclerosis-prone demographic hehe)

He asked me if I was doing anything the rest of the day, told him I could show him around.

So I played the tourist guide role the past two days. It was exhausting! Jog in the early am, diretsong pasyal (after a quick shower of course), tapos since he’s also very much into music (hard core guitar player), the tourist guide role extended well into the night in search for the perfect band (it sucks when bands don’t know a lot of songs you request).

One thing I realized, I better keep my day job, hahaha! I mean there are certain points in the day when I just get so exhausted that my mind goes blank and I run out of things to say (minsan din kasi you have to be aware that everything that comes out your lips creates a picture of how we are as a people and as a country, tsaka dapat may mga cultural at historical relevance din ang conversations nyo). Awkward moments I know. Plus nakakapagod mag ingles ha! hahahaha! I mean iba kasi pag di mo first language, you have to listen to hear kahit na marunong ka namang mag ingles. E pag tagalog kahit mabilis yan, kahit anong accent yan from the 7,107 islands of Pinas, o kahit paano man ang pagkakasabi e maiintindihan mo. Yung lasing nga dyan sa kanto kaya mo pang intindihin, pero kapag nagsimula ng mag ingles ang mga Scots, brace yourself for major hemorrhage.

All in all it was an enjoyable experience. I want to meet more strangers!

It also left quite an impression on me, I mean here's this Singaporean dude on a visit to the 3rd world, who trusted a total stranger to show him around a strange city. Buti na lang mabait ako! hahaha. Just shows to prove that people still believe in the innate goodness of others, and with his faith in human kindness, I gained a friend.

As I saw him off his way to Singapura, land of laksa and bah kut teh, a rather interesting thought came to mind (Mr. Gump, let me tweak your line a bit) "Strangers are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

Well now I want to get me a creamy one, a creamy Belgian chocolate that is.

Closet Case

Nope this is not a coming out post.

I am officially an... APARADOR... You heard it right, kabinet na ko.

As I was dressing up for the usual jogging routine, napatingin ako sa salamin ng closet, e full body mirror yun, ang katawan ko halos lumapat sa frame ng salamin. I am a walking upright rectangle.

Hayun. Hayaan mo na, temporary lang yan, naisip isip ko ng may halong kaba. E pano kung hindi? waaaaa!!!

Hindi yan.

Medyo struggle pa rin ang jog ko, pero at least naka isang round ako ng diretsong jog at hindi lakad. Yay for me! Baby steps to, ayos lang I have 21 days to get back in shape before I hit the metro. So may countdown na ko sa cellphone ko, every day nag set ako ng memo to remind me not to slack off, na I only have 21 days to shape up or ship out. Kaya ko to!

My first run was my most recent, 10k run yun tsong! ako ha, nag 10k. Ako rin di ako makapaniwala. Pero dahil sa panguudyok ng kaibigan napilitan ako. Ayoko ng maulit yun! NAKAKAHIYA!! Hinintay akong matapos, ako pinakahuli, may entourage na kong sweepers (sila ung mga nakamotor na nag swesweep ng runners to ensure na lahat e nakatapos, sorry wala akong maisip na better term sa sweep, walis? hahaha!) Pati yung mga sweepers e nabuburyong na sa bagal ko, pahinto hinto pa ko to catch my breath! waaaa talaga! Di bale pagdating ko sa finish line para akong celebrity di ba, may mga alalay pa! hahaha! (hindi rin nakakahiya lang talaga!!!!)

So my goal this year is to run a 5k and finish among the first half of the runners. Ayan realistic goal yan. Yan ang aking redemption sa aking kahihiyan.

Kelangan may inspiration ka to lose weight. Dapat may rason. A genuine motivation to change should come from within you, and you need to have focus to follow through. Wag mong kakalimutan why you're doing what you're doing. So to remind myself, here's a rundown of why I want to lose weight.

1. I'm really doing this primarily to get stronger. Mahina katawan ko e. I'm doing this for my health. Tsaka di ba dapat strong body, mind, and heart? Yan ang stina strive ko ngayon. I want to live a good life.

2. When I started to gain weight (again!) Ayoko ng manamit, I mean ayoko ng magayos. Kung pwede lang sweatpants and sweatshirts na lang the whole time. Yes kahit kasal pa yan ni Prince William, kumportable ako dito eh hahaha! (sus if I know you just don't want your lumps and bumps to show, pano ba naman kasi ang hilig mo sa semi-fit na shirt and pants noh!)

3. I want to feel attractive again. Oo gusto ko may nagkakacrush uli sa kin, di na ko kinikilig ngayon e hahaha. Tsaka miss ko na may napapa dodouble take sa kin (Haaay feeling ka na naman dyan, paano ba naman kung makatitig ka syempre mapapadouble take yung tao, katakot kaya itsura mo pag tumitig ka creepy! hahaha!)

4. Mobility. Ang hirap gumalaw, ang dali mong mairita at mapagod. Sabi ko nga dati di ba I want to move with grace and serenity like a butterfly fluttering from rose to rose? (butterfly ka dyan, more like bottle fly hahaha!)

and lastly...

I want to sway my hips like I'm the devil's mistress. Yun lang pow!

Unbreakable

Don't break my heart I told him.

I wont. He sounded sincere.

I believed him.


" To love... is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless,- airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

- C.S. Lewis


Thank you baby, my heart's no longer unbreakable.

Tama na nga 'to, pansin ko puro emo posts na.

I better stop ruminating on grief. Di na sya nakakatuwa.

Smile na nga. Hmp. Sige na nga.

:)

Bleeding Heart

Such a beautiful flower.

As a kid, I never fully understood why such a beautiful creation be given such a painful name.

Now I know.

My mind started to have a chat with the bleeding heart and it went this way...

Me: So why the name?
Bleeding Heart: I wear it as a badge of honor. I also wear it to show him that I still love him despite the battle scars, and that I'm still hurting.

Me: Battle scars? But you're so frail, fragile, so... so nice.
Bleeding Heart: Love has its dark side too you know, it spares no one.

Me: What happened?
Bleeding Heart: We went through a lot, we went through it together. Together we braved the arrows that came our way, we thundered through the chaos of our own misunderstandings. We did it all together. But in the end, he knew I cannot love with walls around my heart, and still he chose to drive a stake through.

Me: You never could have expected it...
Bleeding Heart: I never did. He promised me forever. I promised him eternity.

Me: I don't know what to say...
Bleeding Heart: You can tell yourself this, this too shall pass. And despite the pain, your radiance will show through. Continue to give joy to other people around you as you quietly exude the beauty of your soul.

Me: As you did... Thank you.
Bleeding Heart: As I did.

So there, I had a conversation with a plant. I might be going crazy.

Baby, I still love you, I always will. I'm hurting so much right now, the depths of which you will never fully understand.

I love you.

Patient Patience

It's a virtue, I know.

But I'm not exactly virtuous.

Saintly maybe, virtuous no.

I've been overweight most of my life. It's cute when you're younger. Chubby tawag sa yo. But when you start hitting your teens, with all those hormones raging, you can't exactly have someone to share your wild primal instincts with (unless chubby chaser).

So you get a bit sad, you see a donut on the table, you reach out, take a bite... and bam! heaven! I am deus_ex_machina and I'm addicted to food.

It took me years and hard work to get rid of the effects of my addiction, I'm an emotional eater, so it's always like a teeter totter ride for me. When I met him, I was already in fairly good shape. He forbade me to go the gym, ( I scream in my head "But mom, I worked really really hard for this pretty please!") He won't listen to what I have to say, he took away my lifeline. Exercise helps me cope with my issues, and I have tons. He won't listen. He'd gaze at me with his unforgiving eyes and say "no". My heart sank.

So I gained all the weight I lost and more, I'd get sick far too often, and I'd succumb to the clutches of depression more frequently, which I fought long and hard to escape from.

Love eh. La ka magagawa. Basta andyan sya, everything's all right. He's all I need.

Now I find myself alone with my miseries.

So enter some obscure "magic" pills from the land of the rising sun. Yup, it claims to help you shed the excess poundage quick.

I'm not exactly athletic. Working out is such a chore. It's tedium to the max for me. My mind goes blank when my body starts to rev up. It's my sad duality. It's one thing or the other. Can't have them functioning both at the same time.

Placed my order. I know what I'm getting myself into. Brace yourself neurons, brace yourself.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not vain. I'm doing it for mobility. I can't move around with ease with them lipid layers getting in the way now can I? And I need my mobility, to move around at the H with grace and serenity, helping those who can not help themselves, arousing those from deep sleep, encouraging them not to slip back to oblivion. Like a butterfly fluttering its wings from rose to rose (yeah yeah you're getting carried away now, you're no longer making any sense)

So if you happen to see a rather easy on the eye dude staring blankly into space, with drool on the side of his mouth, sweating profusely, trembling a bit, with a bottle of water in his hand, don't be alarmed. It's just me, trying to regain my mobility back.

Brace yourself neurons, brace yourself.

This is Love

Yeah. Modern Family on 2nd Avenue. Nuff said.

I want my own Mitchell. I want him now. hahaha!

Alarm went off 4 times, set it at 6 am, got up 7. I had to literally drag myself to jog, my feet were heavy, my shoulders a bit slumped. But it had to be done. Haven't jogged for 5 days now, been thinking of him. There's no such thing as something for nothing, absolutely. If I want to get over him, if I want to get me a man, I need to get my cute little butt out there and sashay my way to hotness.

Okay here we go.. 1st round, man I'm tired! You can do it, no such thing as something for nothing. 2nd round, well if I just walk really fast I guess that counts, okay walkathon eto. 3rd round, man oh man this is what 5 days of inactivity has done to me, I'm so tamad!! just want to lay there and soak in the glorious glorious warm sun! Di bale kaya to, ui cute guy at 12, man I got so shy, I hate myself.

Now there were 2 lolas in front of me, one even had this cane/foldable chair thingy with her, okay so I pass them (at least I walk faster than them kahit na i'm so tamad and tired na, that's a relief, I'll kick myself in the crotch if I can't even overtake them kaya) so i hear this blaring audio from them as I pass them by, audiophiles ang mga lola nyo, literally lola sila di ba? Guess what they were listening to, F-I-R-E-W-O-R-K-S ni Katy Perry!! Cool!! Lurve them na!

So I only got to about 6 rounds, before heading home, another cute guy, short shorts, great thighs, haaay. I want thighs like that (for myself, I mean I want my thighs to look like that), yung tipong pang 300 na movie. Love those powerful Spartan thighs, they look like they're ready to mount anything in a heartbeat.

Great start. Lunch with a friend later. I'm off!

Insanity

They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results every time.

I know, I know, things aren't going to change, time and again I've proven myself wrong everytime I try to reconcile our differences and forgive him for past deep hurts.

But tonight I find myself toying with the idea of getting back with him. Of again looking like a fool by pleading and asking for his forgiveness even if I'm the one wronged.

I am Insane.

I am drunk insane with love.

You were to be my first, my last, my forever.

At first I didn't want to get into a relationship, because I know that I cannot be involved with someone else when I can't even be involved with myself. I had a lot of unresolved issues and I know I can't be the one he wanted. He was seeing somebody he wanted to see. He was seeing me as someone to rescue. That's him all right, In his head he is a gallant chivalrous knight ready to sweep me off my feet to take me to the sanctuary of our love.

He wooed me endlessly. I denied him countless times. But in the end I relented, his persistence made me realize that he might indeed be the one.

It felt like he was the one. We were soulmates. He completes me. He made me forget my past and made me realize that I am capable of love and being loved. I was living in blissful ecstasy.

Early in the relationship, I noticed some glaring red flags, but I brushed it aside, my love for him was stronger.

It was hard. It was like a rollercoaster ride, peaks and valleys of joy and pain. I couldn't take it anymore.

He is in a much better place now than I am. So he has the luxury to throw me aside, he no longer needs me. I put my life on hold because he can get insecure at the slightest promise of success I might have, at the idea of me having friends, at the idea that I might be gaining self esteem and confidence.

I guess he just wanted someone to control. I met him when he was at a crossroads of his life, it was a time of uncertainty for him. He met me when I was on my way to fixing my life, of painstakingly putting together the broken fragments of my self. I helped him mend his wings, he took mine apart.

And now he's ready to fly. I'm wounded and can barely hold my head up.

It's over I know. For my sake.

But love has such a profound expression of making you feel whole. I want to be whole. I want to be loved.

But I guess I just have to strive harder to fight the desire to be with him. I guess I'm just in love with the idea of being in love. Whatever it might be, I'm struggling hard.

I'm reminded of a line from Adele's song 'Someone Like You'

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.

Ocean Deep

Mr. Sandman proved to be very elusive last night. I kept on tossing and turning. My mind kept darting back and forth between thoughts of him and thoughts of wanting to move on. I understand that this won't go away easily, having someone for 4 years meant that I have to wait a wee bit longer to get used to being on my own.

The littlest thing seems to trigger my thoughts of him. A program on tv that we used to anticipate for the week, our favorite food, a scent, some inside jokes, those kind of trivial mundane things make the transition a bit tricky.

But last night was enough, I have struggled the past few days with thoughts of him but tonight was the night it ended. I have to do something about it. They say that the only thing that you have absolute exclusive control of is your mind. Tonight I'm going to exercise my exclusive privilege, I'm going to do something about this.

Now, the plan is, every time a thought of him pops in this crazy head of mine, i divert that thought into thinking about the ocean. Now don't ask me why the ocean, that was the first thing that I came up with. So there I was lying on my bed, staring at the dark, then I thought about how he was always chirpy in the morning even after a major fight the night before (which makes me really mad because he won't even apologize about it, he thinks that all is well if he's kinda gotten over it and I haven't, and its my fault that I haven't). Okay so here I go... Oceans oceans oceans... wow this is kinda working, the tranquil azure waters, the cool breeze, a single yacht on the horizon (or a boat of some sort whatever, just to break the monotony of the scene) it was relaxing... and it worked. I then drifted off to sleep.

The following day, I was refreshed and raring to go. The day went exceptionally well, a few thoughts of him about twice, then oceans I go.

I had a great dinner with the family, worked out properly (although I had a sore shoulder because I might have overdone it with the kettle bells). A day without him gnawing in my head.

So night falls, I brushed my teeth with my appetite suppressant toothpaste, washed my face, and put on my sweater. I lay on my bed all comfy and content with dreams of the future all sparkling in my head. Then it happened.

I kept stealing glances from my phone for a message, a message that deep in my heart I know who I was expecting from ( a good night perhaps, or a message of regret and apology)...

Damn, I guess I just have to contend with having to think about oceans my whole life.

It is what it is

All my life i've constantly struggled with myself, with my environment, with the people around me. Yes there are a lot of issues around me but the one thing that I truly failed to zero in to be central to my problems was my sexual identity. Yes I am gay. There I said it. So yeah that was kinda like my coming out.

I have never really felt comfortable with my own skin. Never really felt I belonged or that somebody understands. I just know that something is wrong with me and that society at large doesn't approve of it.

You a fan of glee? Notice how they celebrate being different and all? Yeah its true that when you're younger you just want to fit in and that you only appreciate your difference as you get older. But then again it doesn't make the memory of being bullied any easier.

Yes I am a victim of bullying. There again I said it. They say that recognition is the first step to recovery. I don't want to ever forget again. I have often repressed these memories because they were just too damn painful. But that prevents me from moving forward.

Aside from the social alienation that you get from being 'different', being bullied is no laughing matter. Grabe there was this one time, eh medyo di pa ko talaga aware na may mali sa mga ginagawa ko, naglalaro kami sa school ng chinese garter, take note with girls ha! I'm so gay! hahahaha! Eh pano ba naman magaling ako dun, I don't play sports and that was the closest thing my pretty little legs could do. I pride myself at being very good at it kaya. So this one time, as I was about to hurdle one particularly challenging level (yung nasa level na ng ulo nila) one particularly insecure chap (i guess he was a closet case kaya ganun) tripped me as i was running to provide momentum for my jump. Blag!!! grabe sakit nun ha! i couldn't do anything... He was much larger than I am, he had friends for backup, I have none...

Hay isa lang yun sa mga madami pang pambubully na minsan eh tumagal pa hanggang college, na medyo subtle na lang pero hurtful pa rin...

Yung mga akala kong normal na ginagawa ko nung bata ako ay palatandaan pala kung ano talaga ako. It just comes naturally to me. Only when I realized that society frowns upon it that I started to learn to act to be more masculine, to sort of play charades with my identity.

Ngayon, I know what I am. Pero I still couldn't come out. I still have a lot of things to fix.
Having come from a really messed up, narcissistic, manipulative relationship with someone with no heart, I have to do some major damage control in my life.

This blog I came upon helped solidify my understanding that I am gay. There comes a time in a gay man's life when he questions everything about himself. Am I really gay? Do I just need more guy friends? Baka medyo malambot lang ako, I think I like girls naman baka bi ako. These are the streams of thought that one goes through before realizing that he is indeed gay. Only when you've come out to yourself can you start living your life.

borngaybornthisway.blogspot.com makes you realize that you are born gay. I mean nung pagkabasa ko nitong blog nito and seeing all the pictures and reading the stories, I can totally relate. I mean I exactly have pictures and videos such as these!!! Why the denial from my family? Sana they could have just accepted it and gotten over it na lang. Tapos support na lang kasi I never asked to be born this way di ba?

Pero I think the age of enlightenment is upon us, nagsisimula na ang acceptance paunti unti dito sa Pilipinas. I just hope no kid ever has to go through the turmoil of sexual identity crisis as I did. Hirap kaya.

Starting over

Okay so first things first, ever since naging kami ng ex ko, he made me stop going to the gym. E therapeutic kaya yun sa kin. Una asthmatic ako at mahina katawan ko so I need it para makagalaw ng maayos sa mundong ito. Ikaw ba gusto mo ung nurse mo e sumisipol habang humihinga? yaiks! Tsaka having been through a lot in my life, exercise helps me cope with all my issues, ika nga ni Reese sa legally blonde "endorphins make you happy" Pero still I gave it up para wala ng away, para sa kanya (pero nung sya naman na eh tumataba na, hirit sa kin "tara gym tayo!" hello talk to your face arsehole! hahaha)

So now got to get me back in shape! Jog bukas! I'm starting over!

I'm back!

Wow going through my old posts was refreshing and amusing at the same time. Grabe this is the joy of keeping a web log. You get to see yourself in a different light and perspective at different periods of time. Parang ang naive naive ko pa nun at napaka immature. A lot has changed since then. I'm more serious and mature now. I guess that's what you get when you go through a major change in your life.

My relationship of 4 years has finally ended... I'ts sad. But I guess it was mutual. We just don't have anything else in us to keep holding on to the relationship. Usually I'm the one who cling and try to work things out, because I'm sincere in keeping our promise of forever. I guess there's no such thing as forever.

I knew it was over when I no longer had anything to say to him. E madaldal ako, kaya pag wala na kong masabi alam kong hindi utak ko o bibig ko ang pagod... puso ko ang pagod.. Choz! hahaha pero seriously, I've never felt so defeated in my life before. I just feel numb. But I guess this experience taught me to be stronger.

And stronger will I be. I got to live my life the way I've always intended it to be. No more restrictions, no more jealousy, no more petty fights, no more insecurity, no more love...

Is it possible that I was born to be alone?